(alternative rock music) – Listen, a lot of people say “Dave, what'd you do this weekend? “What does a star do?”(laughter) Nobody said that, but I did go to McDonald's.
A lot of people say “I can't believe you go to McDonald's.
” And then I say I went in.
And then they go “Wait, you went and ate there?” And I go, “Yeah, I like it.
“Man of the peeps, you know?”(laughter) They think it's gets weirdI go in but I like it.
But sometimes on the way in you can pull these littleshenanigans if you want.
It's a little jerky, but I connect eyes withone of the cashiers, and I go “It's me and you, me and you.
” And at the last second I juke him out and go to someone else.
(laughter) It's nothing, it's justsomething to kill time.
And the guy's like (growls).
What does he care, hedoesn't get commission.
(laughter) And then on my next uncool move, I try to trip them a bit when I order.
'Cause they're so odd and he's like “Can I help you?” I'm like, “You know what, Steve, you can.
” “All right, here we go.
“(laughter) And he goes, I go “Quarterpounder with cheese.
” He goes (makings beeping noises).
And then I go “Diet coke.
“(making beeping noise) And I go “And fries.
” He goes (making beeping noises).
And then I hit them with the curve ball.
I go “Ah, you know what? “No onions on that quarter pounder.
” He's like (making weird noise).
(laughter) Freeze up, freaks out, bead of sweat, (makes weird noise).
They have to shut the whole place down.
We have a code blue situation, code blue.
And nothing can happen until the guy with the keys comes over.
(making zipping noise) “Oh, yeah.
“Nice to see you.
“No onions, no problem.
“(laughter and applause) “Back to fries, loser.
“(laughter) “There you go.
“I know all the buttons.
“I initial all the voids.
“(laughter) “I got all the codes(chuckles) I'm the main guy.
“There's a reason I'vebeen here six months.
” This is not topical news butI have a quick movie review.
I saw “Dolphin Tale”, you know what that is, this weekend on TV when I was napping and I have a few problems with it.
Just quickly, its about adolphin with a bad attitude who gets caught in a lobster trap and then his tale gets hacked off and then he doesn't havethe little wiggle tail part.
Which, by the way, things could be worse, especially in this economy.
Of course he's immediatelya dick about it.
Most dolphins are cool.
Not this guy, no.
(laughter) He's bitching about (mimics dolphin call).
So they try to help him, the people at the zoo orwherever, I don't know.
But they make this little plastic tail out of some Popsicle sticks or something, but they help him swim.
It's not from the Sharper Image but it'll get the job done.
And immediately dickface goes over and starts banging againstthe wall of the pool like an asshole, he's freaking out like “I hate it, I hate my fake tail.
” Full Jan Brady tantrum.
(laughter) And they guys are looking at him like “It's for your own good, dipshit.
” “We're trying to help you.
” They want to help himswim around in circles even though it's boringbut that's all they do.
That's what you like sowe're helping you with your, anyway, so after that they'regonna shut done the zoo or whatever the B story is.
I didn't really know.
(laughter) I didn't really understand the movie.
But then they have thisexpensive doctor come in and they make him a supernice tail that's tricked out and they were even havinga fundraiser for him.
I'm like “Hey, who cares? “Put him to sleep.
“(laughter and groaning) No, no, because hedoesn't want it, remember? You don't want your tail, remember? It's such a burden, remember you hate it? So anyway, they give himthis big kickass tail, they put it on him.
Naturally, cue idiot smash into the wall, crash, break, “I hate it, I hate theocean, I hate everything.
” (laughter) Full dolphin attitude.
I'm like “Hey, moron, have fun drowning “because you can't swim without it.
“Do you get what's going on?” Anchor, sinking, have fun drowning.
You know what I would do? I would hold up the fake tail and then a shot with thestuff that puts him to sleep and I'd be like “Which one?”(laughter) That's my ending of the movie.
I'd be like “Just point, which one, lets do it.
” I didn't like that dolphin and I hope he's not in the sequel.
(laughter)Anyway, a long story short, this show is a lot like “DolphinTail” but with less jokes.
(laughter) Flirting has come a long way.
I used to have to call people.
'Cause I'm older I usedto have to call people when I was growing up.
And that was even worse.
It was a push button phone.
And if you had to ask out a girl you had to call her on thephone, it was horrifying, and you had to dial(making beeping sounds).
And then you'd stall.
(making beeping sounds) (blows) And then you'dhave to wait and talk.
And I go “Hello? “Hey, you don't want to goto the prom with me, right? “You probably don't, okay, bye.
” (laughter) Horrifying.
You have it so easy now.
Or I'd have to go to their locker and ask them out face to face.
I'm like “I know the prom's this week, ” and they're like this.
(laughter) You'll never know when you text, that face of them going “Whoa, you're not gonna–“(laughter) Sometimes when you go to a restaurant, I went to a six-starrestaurant, one better.
And hostesses are very nice, but they like to strikeup a little jibber jabber before you sit down.
But it always goes nowhere'cause it's only 10 feet.
So she's like “Mr.
Spade, we're so excited to have you.
“How was your week?” And I go “Oh, I had alittle bit of heath scare–” “Here we are.
“(laughter and applause) I go “I'm sure it's nothing.
“Don't worry about me.
“I mean, I'll get a CAT scan.
“I'll CC the whole hostess stand.
” But one time a couple years ago I was and a date and Iwas trying to puff up, and there was this snooty maitre d.
And I'm waiting and he finally goes “Okay, right this way, ladies.
” And I go(laughter) “Is he talking to us?” And I go, (laughter) So is start walking, but it sort of cooled me down a little bit in front of the girl.
So I'm walking and I'msteaming (mimics horn).
And I'm like, I'm getting so mad, I go “When he sees mehe's gonna freak out.
” And then I look and someguy's like “Joe Dirt.
” I'm like “Yes, I looklike a guy, exactly.
” So I start going and I go “This guy's gonna fire himself, this is gonna be great.
” And then there's some stairsand he looks right at me and he goes “Watch, your step, gals.
” And I go “Again? “I am a sir! “I have a mustache sort of.
“(laughter) Anyway, eat at home.
So I went to Magic Mountain this weekend, which is an amusement park.
They call it Six Flags Magic Mountain.
You don't need the Six Flags part.
You don't need two names.
Magic Mountain is it, you know what I mean? Let me tell you something, in terms of marketing, Magic Mountain.
It's hooky, it's catchy.
I know show biz.
Six Flags, who cares about that? How many flags are at your amusement park? No one says that.
Six, oh, oh.
Six out of 10? No, just six.
It's nowhere, right, so Magic Mountain.
The point is it's definitelymore mountain than magic.
Honestly, spoiler alert, I got some bad news.
It's not even 50/50.
It's barely magic, 99% mountain.
It's like cheese on pasta.
Here's the magic part.
(makes grating noise) Here's the mountain part.
(making grating noise) Stop, no, (making gratingnoise), more mountain.
If you don't believeme ask my step counter.
'Cause it was like (makes weird noise).
It was literally smoking, it was — (making weird noises).
Seizing up all the gears in there.
Because my pint sizelittle spindly noodle legs have never dealt with so much trauma.
(laughter) I took my 11-year-old kid becauseI'm trying to be her hero, but I also have a bad neck.
So she wants to go on all the rides.
I'm like “We're here, “can we just look around at allthe scenery and enjoy life?” I can't even get to focus on the rides because I'm looking at the MountEverest they're sitting on.
It looks like an inspirationalposter of a mountain and me trying to think about it with the word “determination” under it.
So I get on one ride, I only did one, and it (bleep) me up, of course.
It's not a fun little rollercoaster, like, woo, it's scary.
It's literally like most ofthem are based on a car crash.
(laughter)You know what I mean? This one's called Telephone Pole, It's 100 miles an hour then wham! Stop on a dime andeveryone's like (groaning).
People are walking upcrying and calling lawyers.
I'm basically slumped in the ride.
They have to bring theJaws of Life to get me out.
(mimics machinery)(laughter) The worst part is I bought one of those scammer passes for VIPS.
One where you cut in front of the line.
And at first I'm whizzing by people.
They're like “Aye, ” they're all excited.
“Joe Dirt, Benchwarmers.
” And then you do it twice, they're still in line.
They're like “Hey (bleep) you, dude.
” (laughter)”I'm calling the cops.
” So am I a hero? Who knows, I don't know, all right bye! I went to some nicerestaurant in LA, four stars.
And I was sitting therethinking I was King Cock, and then of course they go like this, they're trying to whiskme out after a while.
They're like “How was your night.
” These are the key signs.
I go “It's still good.
“(laughter) “Did you have fun here whileyou were and you had dinner?” I go “I'm still eating.
” And then they, thetrick, sent me a dessert.
And I go “Aw, thanks.
” Sent me a second one, swear to god.
That's call Amscray.
They give you 90 minutes.
And then I look over, I see Fetty Wap.
He's eyeballing mybooth with his good eye, he's like this.
(laughter) I go “You want it? “He outranks me?” “Yes, he does, sir.
“(laughter) Just happened at dinner last night.
I went to a nice restaurant.
And when I went to order to shrimp, sometimes I say “shrimps” just to see if the guys corrects me.
It's kind of a dick move but it's fun.
And last night it went on forever.
I go “Aye, you guyshave any shrimps here?” And he goes “Yeah, we have shrimp.
” (laughter) He politely tries to correctme but he doesn't really say it he just says it right.
And then I go “Oh, canI get four shrimps?” (laughter) And he goes “Yeah, we can do four shrimp.
“(laughter) And I go “Could I get five shrimps?” (laughter) And he goes “Yeah, you canhave five shrimp, shrimp.
” And then I go “There's no way you can do 10 shrimps.
“Can you jam 10 shrimpson a shrimps cocktail?” (laughter) And he goes “We can do as manyshrimp as you like, shrimp.
“We can't do shrimps.
“We can do shrimp.
” He cracked, I knew he would.
(laughter) That was my highlight.
It's better at Cheesecake Factory.
The guy is like “We got shrimps coming out our ass.
“What do you need?” I started out as a dishwasher first, that was my first job.
I made three bucks an hour.
So after an eight hourshift that's roughly, that's not a lot.
(laughter) Not too much.
I never made it to waiterbecause my manager says “You don't got the stuff.
” I'm like “What stuff do you need.
” The busboy's harder.
I thought I should showmy personality more.
So one day, I'd always talk to tables and he goes “Hey, chatterbox, “(laughter) He's always smoking inside.
He goes “Hey, don'ttalk to the customers.
” I go “They like it.
” And he goes “They don't, theydon't, just do your job.
” (laughter) So Father's Day comes around, it's packed to the gills.
I got tables 60 through 70, which is the hardest section.
Everyone knows at the restaurantit's not for amateurs.
(laughter) They wouldn't put a rookie there.
So I'm good, 'cause busboying, it's all back and spine.
So the special of the day was shark.
And so someone says to me “Hey, how's the shark?” And I go “Oh, I have a motto: “I don't eat them, they don't eat me.
” “Can I talk to you?” I go, (laughter) I go over and he goes”What did I just say? “What are you doing over there?” I go “I don't know, killing?”(laughter) And he goes “They don't like it.
” I go “Oh, is that why I'mgetting applause breaks? “I'm a fan favorite.
” So I wave over and I go”I'll be here all week.
” And he goes “You're fired.
” I go “Maybe not.
“(laughter) You guys, a lot of peopletalk to me and they say “Dave, are you a redneck in real life?” Because of “Joe Dirt” I get that a lot.
They think I'm some goat roper.
But it's kind of true'cause I grew up in Arizona, and one sort of proof ofconcept comes to mind.
I had a brother, Brian, who would keep rattlesnakesin a cage in his bedroom.
So I'm my house, with three brothers, my two brothers, we had five rattlesnakes and a tarantula in a cage.
How do we get these rattlesnakes, you ask.
Well, they're usually in our yard.
'Cause everything's gravel in Arizona so we'd see them.
One day there's a big fatty out there and we're trying to catch him.
And people, they'll go “Howdo you catch a rattlesnake?” It's not that hard.
You have a two-gallon juglike for milk, an empty one, and then we took two tennis rackets, and you pinch it behind the neck, and then you put thehe'd in the milk thing, and it goes to the bottomand it curls around, it doesn't know what to do.
It can't get out.
This is not foolproof by the way.
(laughter) It's sort of a life hack, don't call me on it.
So we're out there scramblingto get this rattlesnake just to make it an even six, and then my drunk stepdadcomes home and he goes “What are you guys doing?” And we go “We're trying to get this.
” He goes “You want to grab a rattlesnake? “All you got to do is pickit and you jam it in.
” And of course it bit him right on the hand because we always knew there was reason we weren't just pickingit up and putting it in.
It (bleep) bites youand they're poisonous.
Everyone forgets that part.
And so he goes “I'm gonna go take a nap.
“(laughter) I go “No shit, I bet you will.
” And then he went and laid down, he like, and then we swelled uplike the Michelin Man and he got all purple and we had to wake him upand take him to the hospital.
Anyway moral of the story is rattlesnakes, not your friends.
My pet peeve, I have a pet peeve right now.
It's heat lamps in LA.
I don't know if you eat out in LA, but they don't have heatlamps perfected just yet.
I'm having a perfectly nice night in LA but then the temperatureplummets down to 71.
And everybody freaks out and demands they blast theheat lamp on the patio.
Let me tell you something, they don't blast them in Chicago til it's 15 degrees, all right.
(laughter) If you're going out todinner and it's chilly and you're gonna sit outside in LA, were a goddamn sweat or a coat.
Don't make the outside the inside.
Juts sit inside.
(laughter) The heating needs to be perfected.
It has two speeds, zero or two million.
Zero or melanoma.
Zero or burnt to a crisp.
Zero or burn unit covered inalow vera with no insurance.
(laughter) And when they turn it onit's like (mechanic humming), it's almost blowing your hair back.
I'm like “Hey, this is a great restaurant.
“Who ordered the burnt hair?”(laughter) “It smells great tonight.
” I mean honestly why don'tyou just light a flare and hold it on the back of my neck? It dries you out so (bleep) fast.
You could like a match on my eyeball.
(laughter) Girls always think it's hotwhen you're picking your nose and you start a brush fire in the valley.
(laughter) I find myself sucking foroxygen in these things after four minutes.
LA, the only place where I need an oxygen snorkel with my crab cakes.
And then, meanwhile on theinside of the restaurant, they're like “It's 71, can you crank the AC?” (laughter)It's the opposite.
I actually had a scarything happen at the airport.
My brother, it's Christmas and I'm standing there and I'm about to leave the hotel and he's like this, “Aye, I got you this.
” And he gives me a used 10-inchknife, like a bowie knife with a little bit of dried blood on it.
I go “Eh.
“(laughter) And then I put it in my bag.
I go “What's up with that?” And he goes “You like knives.
“You're always at dinner, “you're like can I have a knife?” I'm like “Well, “(laughter) and then he goes, I go”Where'd you get that?” And he goes “It's crazy, “there was a big gangfight at my apartments.
“And so all the copsare looking over there.
“I'm like what's going on? “I see this knife right by my feet.
” And he goes “I kick it underthe car 'cause I'm thinking, ” I go “Christmas.
” And he goes “Yeah, Christmas.
“(laughter) By the way, I got to tnthey're like “Mr.
” I'm like “Aye, fans.
” And they're like “Stepaway from your bag.
” Four cops come over.
And they go “Do not go to your bag.
” I go “All right, all right.
” And then he goes (makes weirdnoise), “Is this yours?” I go “Oh, that's so funny.
“(laughter) “Yes and no, it should bein a (bleep) evidence bag “in a court room right now, but yeah.
” I ran out of gas on the way to work here and it's the biggest dayof course for the show, but I run out of gas.
And the problem isthere's almost no reason to run out of gas in this day and age.
'Cause 20 years ago if you didpeople go “Oh, that sucks.
” But now they're like “Areyou a (bleep) moron?” “How do you run out of gas?” All the cars help you.
(makes beeping sound) 100 milesuntil you only have 40 miles until you're out of gas.
(makes beeping sound) 20 more miles.
I would start taking this seriously.
(makes beeping sound) Six miles left, are you listening to me? Looks like you're heading towards the mall and not towards any gas stations.
(makes beeping sound) Is thing on? Can you hear me? You need gas, dick! (makes beeping sound) Onemile, why am I even talking? Why do I waste myelectronic breath on you? And then I run out of gasand I hear it go “Excellent.
” “What'd you say?” “Nothing, it's horrible.
“Let me guess, I'm callingAAA now from the car? “Do you want me to call your mom, “or do you want to call a psychiatrist? “I mean what the F is wrong with you? “You ran out of gas in 2019?” I love this when the police in Tennessee are warning people not toflush drugs down their toilet.
Who would? Because they say it mightcreate meth-addicted alligators.
– I first read “Meth Gator”and I thought it was a sequel, the “Joe Dirt” number three.
– Sure, easily, easily.
'Cause nothing says Americalike a meth-addicted gator.
– We're working on crack-o-dile though.
It's very similar.
– So close.
I saw this one at 7/11.
He's like “Can I suck your (bleep)?” (laughter) Hey, come on, gator, that's not– – [Girl] Then he went andstole your car battery.
– Stole me car battery and then licked it.
Either way, meth or an alligator, they're gonna live under a bridge.
You ever had girls that go, this is how you knowyou're dead in the water.
You go on a girl and then you hit her up, and then you text herand she waits four days.
And then she goes “I'm the worst texter.
” (laughter) And I don't answer right away, I wait about 30 seconds– (laughter) And then I hit them again, and then a week later she's like “Hey, I'm so bad at texting.
“I'm the worst.
” And then you take her out on a date, and then all nightshe's over it like this.
(makes weird noises)(laughter) I go, “Oh.
“(applause) “I see you got the hang of it.
” (alternative rock music).