we're living in very scary political times a lot of my friends are turning to astrology to cope you laugh but I think astrology is a really useful tool for people who don't have personal agency let me explain you never see finance Bros checking their horoscopes it's never high-powered
corporate lawyers googling astrological compatibility no it's always just your saddest loneliest female friend who happens to be my target demo so I have to be careful with this joke it's always your saddest loneliest female friend who has her own page on Etsy where she knit scarves for catch
she's nodding being like everything's crazy cuz Mercury's in retrograde and you're like okay Karla or maybe it's because you didn't vote Karla Karla Karla maybe it's because you listen to Susan Sarandon and you didn t vote please vote everybody I know that like I sound like I'm standing
on a soapbox when I say please vote but we'll all be on soapboxes when sea levels rise we have a very scary election coming up could be our last on the bright side we've got a lot of really cool diverse Democratic candidates I wrote this three months ago
who's it gonna be Biden you guys and that's fine I can feel the excitement it's palpable it's fine if it's Biden I just hope his running mate as a dialysis machine he's gonna need it my boyfriend recently made me go to a Bernie Sanders rally it was either
yeah yeah with you the bat or anal and I just yeah feel the Bern you know either way I would be thrilled to see like a Bernie Warren ticket yes exactly it might be the only way we'll get a female president in 2023 don't get mad at me
guys with beards that's just how time works okay Judas 78 he's had a heart attack he'll be 79 in a year I'm not an actuary I'm just doing the math I'll vote for any Democratic candidate terrified of the Republicans they don't even need to overturn roe v wade
and roe on a side note is a great baby name for the one you're gonna be forced to have they don't even need to overturn roe v wade the laws right now are insane right now in 30 states the only way to get the government to pay for
your abortion is by sleeping with a married Republican not fake news you might not even want an abortion but if you sleep with a married Republican watch your drink mistress cuz he's gonna make sure you get it I can tell you guys are a little sensitive when it
comes to abortion we all are we all have different ideas about when life begins my personal belief is that life begins at 40 and Republicans believe that life begins at conception and then ends in an immigrant detention center oh okay you're right some of them are more moderate
some believe abortion should be a private decision between a politician and his NRA lobbyist and Donald Trump would actually be pro-abortion if instead of abortion if we just called it taking out a minor thank you that was that is my new favorite joke I wrote it in memory
of Jeffrey Epstein may he rot in hell I just I just wish that they had made him go down on a woman his own age before they strangled him to death because that would have been torture it's actually the pedophile equivalent of waterboarding if they if they had
just gotten JK Rowling to like on his face that would have been torture actually I recently learned that JK Rowling is a decade younger than up scene she just looks his age because she's transphobic and according to her Twitter feed and hating people for no reason just
gives you a wrinkle so watch out ladies the Republican worn women's bodies is personal for me it's not because I'm a woman it's actually because I'm in my mid-30s so as you can imagine a lot of my friends are having miscarriages because they're cool you know what I
mean it's like girls have kids that's easy yeah women miscarry you guys are so scared you're so scared what you all need to realize is that everybody miscarries that's a children's book that hasn't been written yet everybody miscarries we just don't know about it cuz nobody talks about
it but while we're not talking about it they're legislating it right now in Indiana there is a law HB 1337 to require women who miscarry to have to bury the goo there's no word for the byproducts of conception so let's all just call it queer death pouches website
it's hard for female comics to talk about our periods on stage let alone one with an elbow a gas some some weird faces cool fine you don't have to laugh with that that was actually the worst joke I ever wrote it was funny for about three months and
then it died but I'm not gonna bury that junk mic pinch I'm gonna keep telling that creepy little corpse of a joke thank you making everyone uncomfortable some men like Mike Pence never feel comfortable legislating us thank you guys so much [Applause] you
