STAN (VOICEOVER):There are rules.
That is my whole point.
You've got to follow the rules.
Once you've got therules down, it's easy.
Look, we've all been there.
You find love and you lose love.
But statistics show mostpeople who have loved and lost find love again.
Dating, it's commonsense, like don't cheat.
Don't cheat in life.
Don't cheat in love.
Speaking of love, alwaysremember these two words– birth control.
Jesus, Mary, Joseph.
STAN (VOICEOVER): Nowyou can give gifts, just move slow on big ticket items.
STAN (VOICEOVER): –i.
Anything that sparkles.
What I'm saying is don't betit all on the first date.
I'm not saying don't take risks.
Just be careful.
Oh, and be very carefulhow you present yourself.
Dress to impress.
You've got to have style.
It says a lot about you.
You know, once you sleepwith them, they never let go.
You got to be sure.
That's why sex cannotbe taken casually.
I mean, you're not theonly who's been hurt.
All this said, you'vegot to get out there.
This date could beyour second chance.
ANNOUNCER (ON RADIO): Remember, the big game's tonight, folks.
We're going to keep yourocking and rolling.
STAN (VOICEOVER): Areyou listening to me? Look, Artie, pal, I have beendating, for what, over 16, 17, years? And look, I like it.
You know anybodyhappier than me? Of course not.
The question is whatthey call rhetorical.
And do you know why I am happy? Because I know how to date.
I know what to say andwhat is expected of me.
No, I am not going.
Artie– Look, I am not against theidea of meeting somebody.
I just rather meetsomebody I already know.
Know what I mean? Oh.
Look at this.
No matter how much I wreckit, you make it look better.
You've got to stop rearending people, Ann Marie.
Everybody's getting in my way.
Yeah, well, you drive too fast.
Gotta slow down.
You're gonna get hurt.
Well, you could gethurt sitting still.
What was it this time? Maserati, Artie.
And the guy's sittingin front of me and I got a hair appointment.
I got places to be in my life.
Don't you got placesto be in your life.
Have a car like thatand sitting in it.
I tell you, people who got itand don't use it, that's a sin.
Here you go, Ann Marie.
Pink is for your records.
Yellow is for your insurance.
And white is your– ANN MARIE: Back up.
You OK? Bad donut.
Look at that dove.
That is not a dove.
That is a white pigeon.
There are no doves in Queens.
Listen, I just got offthe phone with Amy.
It's all set.
What's all set? The date.
Look, I know this isa big step for you.
Debbie's been gone a long time.
You've been alonefor a long time.
Look, Artie– I'll go.
You won't make yourself happy, make me happy seeing you happy.
You'll go? I'll go.
[MUSIC – SONNY AND CHER, “WHAT NOW MY LOVE”] [car honking] STAN: Mandatori's.
That's the name of it? It happens to be anexcellent Italian restaurant.
What are you laughing at? Stan, mandatory, likethe prison sentence? No, Mandatori's, like oneof Queen's best kept secrets.
I read that in Bon Appetit.
Bon appa what? All right, Artie, it'sjust because you're nervous.
You're nervous right now.
What if she's smart? Smart women and me, we never get along.
You see me down at the shop.
Every time a smart woman walksin, you have to talk her.
Smart women like decent guys.
You are decent guy.
Look, you're worried thatshe might be too, let's say, educated for you.
My comment on thatis that, yes, I set you up with an educated woman.
She attended paralegal schoolnights at Queens College.
Lottie, please, just giveme to the end of the game.
I know that.
Lottie, I know that, but if–if the chips fall the way I think they will, then I'm in.
The whole worldfor Denver, that's why the odds are in my favor.
That's what I'm saying.
I got more action thanother bookie I know.
I would never do that to you.
I would never do that to you.
I look at you likeyou're my own father.
You know that.
Oh, that dress is beautiful.
Special occasion? Anniversary.
[gasp] Oh, my God.
How many years? 10.
Wow, married 10 years, huh? Tin.
Tin, you're tin.
I'm what? Yeah, 10 years, tin.
Lottie– We are going to havean enjoyable time.
Some brunch, some wine, some bowling perhaps.
I hate bowling.
Look, you are going on date.
What you like doesn't matter.
So I'm getting engaged tonight.
After the game, we'regoing to the Caribbean.
He's going to propose me on thebeach, you know, out in nature.
Oh, my gosh, when I amtin, you will be china.
The point is she drives a Miataand she has dent in her fender.
I know, I know.
Look at this.
Here, let me help you.
Oh, thank you.
You're very nice young man.
And you are a very lovely lady.
So we have obeyed thefirst rule of dating.
First date, lunch or brunch.
What's the difference, you know, lunch, brunch? Jesus, Artie, brunch is on Sunday.
And you can drink at brunch.
Women prefer brunchfor some reason.
I think 60% of mydates are brunch.
A wooden hanger, please.
You are a very lovely lady.
What is your name? Connie.
Thank you fortelling me, Connie.
10, 000? That's like our whole wedding.
Doll– No, don't doll me, Frankie.
You know what we budgetedfor this wedding.
You can't build afuture unless you invest.
Frankie, we raised $11, 570between us, all right? My parents aregiving us a deposit on the junior one bedroom.
Your Uncle Lou, he's gotall our major appliances.
Your brother is giving us wallto wall in air conditioning.
All we need, Frankie, is thewedding and the honeymoon and we're done.
We got to pay for that.
Junior one bedroom? I've never done anythingjunior in my life.
Isn't it kind oflate for brunch? Any meal after 11:00 but before4:00 can be considered brunch.
I read that in Better Dining.
What's the bigdeal about brunch? Women like brunch becausethey know nothing unpleasant can happen at brunch.
It's a nice, safe date.
Safe date? Yeah, a safe date iswhere nothing romantic can happen unless she wants it to.
See, she doesn't wantyou to get any ideas.
And if, by chance, she gets some ideas, she doesn't want to betempted because it's in the middle of the day.
So? It's in the middle of the day.
Guys want to do it inthe middle of the day, but we don't want tofreak out the ladies.
You want to write this down? We still got to come up withthe flowers, the photographer, the invitations, and otherassorted miscellaneous extras, totaling approximately$2, 350 and we've got the honeymoon– Maui.
You can bet 1, 000.
1, 000? That's not goingto get us anywhere.
What if we lose the pasta bar? Beer and wine, no booze.
We get your cousin Matt toDJ, and those little throwaway cameras on the tables.
I hate those set uppictures, with everybody looking like they'vegot to take a dump.
Come on, baby.
5 grand, huh? Oh, OK, 1, 500 all right? No pasta, no booze, and littlecameras on the tables, OK? We can't we justmake it smaller? Nice, but smaller? [knocking] Hey.
What is this? What is this supposed to be? -I got to talk to you.
-What am I now? Some botan, is that what I am? Come on, don't talk like that.
What am I supposed to do? This is a place for bimbos.
Is that what I am? Look, I called around.
All our regular places, they're booked, all right? This– we're lucky to get this.
This is lucky? What's the difference? You know, I can'twatch the game anyway.
What are wesupposed to be, John? What are we doing here? Ann Marie– Happy anniversary.
10 years, John.
10 years and it comes to this? You and me hiding out inevery motel in Queens, and now we're in a motor hotel? Can I help you? We are expecting intwo ladies for brunch.
We are early, so we will sitin the bar until they show.
Right this way.
So what can I get you? STAN: A vodka martini, please, dry, straight up, two olives, chill the glass.
You are a very lovely lady.
What is your name? Karen.
Thank you fortelling me, Karen.
Thank you for asking.
I love you.
You know I do.
Then what thehell are you still doing with that bitch, huh? After all these years, whyare you still with her? She's the mother of my kid.
And what am I? You play with my tits andthen you go home and be a nice daddy and a husband? Jesus.
What'd you do, huh? How come you look so good? You know the situation.
Situation my ass.
The situation is the situation.
Because of you.
You know it's not like that.
I don't know shit.
Poconos? Hm, all right, fine, 4, 500, OK? No pasta, no booze, all right? No live music, littlecameras on the tables, no Puerto Rico, no pussy.
2, 500, pussy's not negotiable.
I should go to your houseand tell that ugly broad you married to drop dead.
You should tell yourdaughter that you love her but you found awoman who loves you.
Hey, I grew up without a father.
If it's good enough for me, it's good enough for her.
Be a man, John.
This is the point.
I don't want what happenedto you to happen to her.
Your grandfather paying yourfather off to walk away.
Hey, my father took themoney and ran, oh, well.
It's because of mygrandfather I get respect.
Yeah, that's a good point.
[beeping] I got to find a pay phone.
What's wrong with this phone? Oh.
You still taking bets? Yeah.
Told you I need to take whateverhe can get up to the half.
Wait, wait, Frankie, Frankie, trust me.
Let's make it 11 6.
All right, All right, all right, 11 5 7.
I got you.
Trust– trust me.
You're living dangerous, John.
And I can't believe you paythat moronic nephew of mine to work for you.
I tell you, thekid idolizes me.
Come on, where is he? I got to go.
I gotta go.
Johnny, we got Denverfor 15, Denver for 6, and Frankie just dropped11 5 7 0, yeah, on Denver.
You sure this is all of it? Yeah.
I wrote 'em all down.
No, no, no, nobody'stouching Tampa.
Where? Manda what? Yeah, OK, all right, bye.
I'm on my way.
I'm on my way.
Denver's going to kill you.
You're giving her 14 points.
What's wrong with you, taking these bets? Denver, Denver, Denver, Denver, yeah.
Need action, I got problems.
You drinking coffee again? I'm OK.
Let's go find a bodega, come on.
I hear you're intothe Russian's bag now.
I hear you're intoVladi for maybe 70 thou.
Try 270 thou, as of today.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
It's due by tomorrow morning.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
I don't thinkthey're going to help.
So let's say the bill is $100.
Don't just have 120 inthere, you know what I mean? That looks like you justspent your money on the date and now you got to gohome and sell your car so you could eat tomorrow.
You take double the amount ofmoney you think you will spend.
What happens if sheoffers to pay half? Of the check? Yeah.
Artie, if she pays, then it is not a date.
If she wants to take youout for an after dinner drink, that you can accept toshow that you are a man who is involved with the timesand are aware that she's going to express her individuality.
Individuality? Yeah, individuality.
You know, like an individual.
What is this? What are you doing? Need a couple of things.
We're actually going tospend the night together? All right, look, Igotta talk to you.
Fine, how much do youhave out on the street? I don't know.
With the vig, Igot 70, 000, 80, 000? So show Vladi 70.
He'll give you another week.
That's where myother problems begin.
Other problems, thereare other problems.
Uh, pack of reds, pack of ultra lights.
No on the ultras.
Pack of reds.
I'm carrying a guy.
So tell Vladithey guy can't pay.
It's his money anyway.
I tell Vladi, you knowwhat he does to the guy? Your problem'syou're not tough.
You never were.
So what wouldyou do, tough guy? Force the guy to pay.
See what he drives, threaten to kill his mother.
I don't know, just do it.
What? You must know howto make conversation.
There are topicsyou can talk about.
And, Artie, there are topicsyou cannot talk about.
Mention how attractiveher blouse is.
Tell her how it highlightsthe color of her eyes.
[car honking] What can I get you? Chivas on the rocks, please.
Bring me a virgin Mary, please.
Cigarettes and booze? Don't change the subject.
Vladi doesn't kidaround, Johnny.
I know this, Ann Marie.
I have nightmaresabout this shit.
That's why I got a plan.
A plan? I don't know how to say this.
Then just say it.
Ann Marie, I've been blessed.
Oh, come on, how manyguys like me can say they got a house in Glen Cove.
They got a beautifullittle daughter like I got.
They– a woman likeyou who's– who's been there for me since day one.
You can talk about the menuand your favorite restaurants.
On all my dates, I find myselftalking about restaurants about 76% of the time.
Stan, I am a burgersand fries guy.
OK, sometimes, I eat somechicken, maybe, but that's it.
Well, you betterbuy a book on food because you are eliminating amajor topic of conversation.
Another big topic is vacations.
Women always enjoyed talkingabout their vacations.
Mention the time you spentin the Canary Islands.
Canary Islands? Or the great time youhad in New Zealand.
New Zealand? I have no idea wherethose places are.
I've been on twovacations my whole life, Montauk Point andthe Jersey Shore.
Then buy a map, make stuff up.
This is a date, nota polygraph test.
You got to go alongwith the fantasy.
A woman wants romance, andadventure, not the truth.
You want to come acrosslike an interesting guy, like me, or do you want tobe some guy who owns a body shop on QueensBoulevard and knows nothing about sophistication? Everybody thinks it's Denverversus Tampa, but it's not.
It's Denver minus14 against Tampa.
Stop with the math.
You said you had a plan.
I got a ticket, Ann Marie.
One ticket, one way.
You going somewhere? I'm walking away.
I love the action, butthese– these people, they play too rough.
You wise up.
You're not going anywhere.
What's the matter? The Russians are coming.
Easy, slow, right to our room.
No, life is bearableuntil all this sex complication stuff gets in.
You know, for mynext life, I want to come back as a transsexual.
OK, do you have and the ideaat all what a transsexual is? No, not a clue.
And you know what? I don't want to know.
I just want totranscend the sexual.
I've no faith in human beingsanymore, male or female.
Excuse me, you gota back door here? Yeah.
Thanks a lot.
What can't I talk about? Plenty.
You cannot talk aboutpast romances with anyone.
Artie, you must act on this datelike you were never married, never knew anotherwoman intimately.
Do not talk about sports, never.
I know, today's the big game, but you cannot mention it.
Do not talk about carsunless she brings it up.
Do not talk aboutmoney, religion, sex.
My God, do not talk about sex.
Do not mention theword titties, breasts, toes, feet, thighs, hips, and any of the other unmentionables.
Do not make jokesthat are off color.
And do not look at any part ofher body other than her eyes.
You got that? ARTIE: I had no intention– STAN: The only part of herbody you are allowed to look at is her eyes.
And you do not read Playboy.
You do not watch X rated movies.
And you do not have sex, unless you are deeply in love and ready to make a commitment.
That part is true.
Also, you must doeverything I just said and be yourself on top of it.
A woman likessincerity in a man.
Oh, and be in touchwith your feelings.
Be liberal minded.
That is very important.
How do you feel? Like I'd rather spendthe rest of my life alone.
You like women, don't you? Yeah, I thought I did.
I loved Debbie.
And Debbie is gone.
Artie, you're young.
You'll met other Debbies.
Can I help you? STAN: You have any questions? Yeah.
When do I relax? You don't.
It's a date.
I saved up some money.
I got it in my suitcase.
It's not much.
It's about 20 grand, but it'senough to get me started.
As what, a dishwasher? And I can't tellanyone where I'm going.
No one can know, Ann Marie.
You want to hide from Vladithe Impaler, you try the moon.
These guys are well ex-KGBtorture trained psychos, John.
Please, don't do this out here.
He always says, he says, Liz, it's just another ass, but it's always your face, doll.
Uh, is it Queens? I mean, is it the man in Queens? Or are all men this way?What? Nice ass on this one, nice tits on another one, there's legs on the other one.
I mean, wouldn't itbe nice to find a man who likes one whole woman? It would be nice to get mycalamari to table number five before it turns rubber.
Well, she's all that.
[laughter] So there I was, in the middleof this big, beautiful swimming pool in the south ofFrance, and I couldn't speak a word of French.
What did you do? STAN: I pretended I wasvery rich and very bored, and that I mumbled a lot.
They all thoughtI was eccentric.
That is clever.
AMY: Yeah, Stan alwayshas the best stories.
What about Artie? Artie, is there a storyyou'd like to tell us? Story? Yeah.
I was in New Zealand once.
Really? When? Last week.
Really? How was the weather? It was very nice.
It's the summer there now.
What part of New Zealand? What part? The new part.
LAURA: The new part? Oh, yeah, Laura, hemeans the new modern part.
You been there? I have an uncle wholives in Australia and he visits New Zealand a lot.
Did you like it?-Very much.
LAURA: Do you have any stories?-None.
I got it all.
Good, Jimmy, good.
Oh, nice room.
Hey, Ann Marie.
Here it is.
You sure this is all of it.
Yeah, yeah, pickedthem up myself.
Right, well, if you guysdon't need me any more, I got a little business– Sit down.
You know, I'd like to, butI just want to catch game.
JOHNNY: Sit down.
I got a problem, Junior.
Very close associateof mine owes me big.
How big does he owe me, Junior? I don't know whatyou're talking about.
How big? Big, he owes you big, Johnny.
You mean– How's he going to pay me back? He's got– he's got plans.
Josepe, is the guyinto you for 270 thou? I'm going to pay you back.
You couldn't pay meback if you ran numbers for me for the next 10 years.
No, no, you see, me andsome guys from Brooklyn, we're– we're lining up a heist.
And it's not big, big, big, big, but it's a big enough that– So you're going tobecome a degenerate? That's very nice.
Who said anything aboutbeing a degenerate? All right, shut up.
J– Johnny, Johnny.
I need that money tonight.
I cannot get you thatmoney by tonight, OK? Give me a break, Johnny.
That wasn't my money, Junior.
You're playing with people thatare 10 times bigger than me.
This is the real world.
People here play onegame called hardball.
God damn it, how old are you?23? 24? Yeah, yeah.
It's too bad youhad a short life.
It's only money.
Johnny– What did you say? -Johnny, it's only money, man.
-What did you say? Say that again.
Is that what you think? -It's only money.
-Say it again.
Say it again.
It's only money.
I'm going to tellyou something.
There's only twothings in this world.
There is money andthere is death.
All right? You take me for a jackass, you pay me for a jackass.
Now you got to payme back, get down.
[gasp] I never lied.
I never cheated.
I never went against my friends.
I never crossed that line.
I tell you, I'm sorry.
Me, I'm a friend, you know.
Don't beg me.
Face it like a man.
I'm only 24.
Tell him I'm only 24.
Get out of here.
Wait for me outside.
And if you run, Iswear I'll hunt you down like a fucking dogand string your balls up from a telephone pole.
Thank you, Johnny.
When does the game end? Oh, it can takeup to four hours.
What is it, agame to the death? Frankie said, when it'sover, he's picking me up with a limo and champagne.
You know, I was thinking.
Maybe you can introduceme to Mr.
No, I don't– I don't think so.
I was impressed that you knewabout this restaurant, Stan.
It's one of Queens'best kept secrets.
Thank you, Laura.
Has anyone been to thatnew Mexican restaurant on Grand Avenue? You promised you'dtake me there, Stan.
Do you know 67% of theAmerican population eats Mexican food atleast once a week? I read that in Reader's Digest.
AMY: Stan is themost well read person I've ever met, outsideof this guy I dated once in high school who readall of the guy, what do you call it, James Michener.
He wrote “Hawaii, ” and”Poland, ” and other stuff.
Do you read much, Artie? Me? I read “Hawaii, ” and “Poland.
” Good books.
What are yourthoughts on equality? Equality? Racial equality, sexual equality? We hire anybodywho is good and I will lose mypatience with anybody that doesn't think we do.
We have an Indian, fromIndia, working for us.
Two guys from Panama.
Jose and Benjamin.
STAN: And a woman fromthe Virgin Islands.
Hey, it's Queens.
[exhale] A gun? JOHNNY: It's not even loaded.
ANN MARIE: Why? Trying to teachthis mook a lesson.
Try and put the fearof God into his head.
I gotta catch this plane.
What about me? Let me tell you something, John.
And let me tellyou to your face.
I never believedyou loved me, not once, not in all these years.
You can't love somebody andgive them only half your life.
And that's allyou've ever given me.
I just thought you'dmeet another guy.
I was not connected.
Everyone I know is connected.
And those whoaren't, want to be.
Why can't I come with you? How long are you going tolast outside of Queens, huh? Two weeks, you'll be runningaround every cornfield looking for a decent cannoli.
Then let me get the money.
You can't getthat kind of money.
It's 270 thou.
Then let me talk tomy grandfather, John.
Give me some time here.
I don't have anymore time, Ann Marie.
He wants his money now.
So can I get anyoneanother drink? Yeah, I need another.
Make it a stiff one.
Um, another round? Please? Coming up.
So Amy tells me you twogentlemen have a very successful car repair shop.
I work the customerservice end of it.
Artie, here, is thegenius with the dents.
Yeah, we do luxury cars only.
Do you work on Miatas? Course, what year? '94.
I dented my right fender.
You got insurance? I do.
You bring it down, I'llget to it first thing I can.
You bring it downon Saturday morning, I'll have it ready foryou by Sunday night.
You work on Sundays? We're open seven days a week.
Artie is a very ambitious guy.
Here you go.
Isn't Laura wearinga very lovely shawl? Very lovely.
It's a nice colors.
It matches her eyes.
He meant your blackshawl highlights the color of your lovely brown eyes.
Is that what he meant? I'm not sure he knewwhat color my shawl was, let alone my eyes.
Hey, not that it matters.
You seem distant.
Double bourbon on the rocks.
I can't believe this.
I am so sorry, Laura.
What a waste of time.
Do you know who I turned downa date with to be here tonight? I don't know what's wrong? Dr.
Knockman, theplastic surgeon.
He was a real nice guy.
You're going to meet this guy.
You're gonna have a great time.
I think he's just nervous.
OK, 10 more minutes.
I mean, he's reallygood looking, but if he doesn't come to lifereal soon, I'm out of here.
[knocking] DEMITRI (AT DOOR): Josepe.
Thought he told youto wait outside– Vladi wants to see you.
Vladi? You know of me.
We're going to Brighton Beach.
I thought Vladi wasin Atlantic City.
I just talked to him.
Wants me to take you tohis club in Brighton Beach.
He said now.
Um, tell you what, howabout I drive my car? We'll take my car.
Who are you? My last name's Sacka.
Nice to meet you.
What a shitty room.
He called around.
This was the bestthat we could get.
You'll stay and helpKaren close tonight, right? Karen can close on her own.
Oh, what? Like you got someplace to be? Flora– Elizabeth, if youget serious with him, you're never going togo anywhere anymore.
You'll be lucky just toleave the neighborhood.
Hey, maybe I don't want togo anywhere anymore, huh? You ever think of that? I lost that, you know, adventure spirit.
Ju– just becauseyou're getting engaged, don't think that Frankie's goingto lose his adventure spirit, all right? I guarantee, onceyou're married, he suddenly has business allover the universe without you.
OK, enough of thistalk, Flora, all right? Enough.
FLORA: No, no, you'remaking a mistake, Liz.
No, you're making amistake, Flora, all right? I mean, why can'tyou be happy for me? AMY: Stan is a Leo.
You are such a Leo.
Everything has to be this way.
But he loves tohave a good time.
And, me, I'm a Gemini.
I am so communicative, it's unreal.
That's why I make sucha great receptionist.
Everybody in the wholeplace loves to talk to me.
I never stop yakking away.
Once, I– I'm a Scorpio.
Do you know what that means? No.
AMY: It means that Laurais the passionate one.
She is so passionate that allher ex-husbands still call her up and want to be with her.
Two doctors and a lawyer.
They drive the best cars.
Demitri, just let memake one call, all right? Get in.
This is my life, just– Get this suitcaseto my daughter.
I swear, if you–if you hit her, you're going to bein such trouble.
What sign are you? What sign? I don't know.
Everybody knows their sign.
He's a Cancer.
When's that? July.
My ex-husband wasa Cancer, quiet, calculating pain in my butt.
Anything else? I bet he's a sag risingwith a Capricorn mom.
Are you a quiet, calculating pain in my butt? Artie can be anythingyou want him to be.
It's time I go.
Go? But it's so early.
You people stay out, enjoy yourselves.
Artie, you can't go.
We are thinking of goingto 56 Lanes and bowl a few.
I hate bowling.
But I enjoy talking to you.
You did? Yeah.
Well, I'd enjoy talking to you.
How could I? I didn't say anything.
Well, stay a little longer sowe can get to know each other.
I don't think youwant to get to know me.
Why not? Because you want to havea nice, pleasant time.
You want to talk about NewZealand, Mexican restaurants.
Only thing I know best iscars, dents, busted bumpers, smashed windshields.
I don't know how to datevery well and it shows.
Look, this isn't a formal date.
Good night, nice meeting you.
Sounds like you havesomething on your mind.
Let him go.
I've been sitting here, watching everybody.
And I know that I don't fitin, like the cars I fix.
I fix some big shot's car, but Igot nothing in common with him.
He owns the car, but I knowit better than he ever will.
In fact, he usually doesn't wantto know anything about the car.
And, maybe, that'show some people are.
They don't want to know anythingreally about anybody else that takes too much out of 'em.
Artie, I'll talkto you tomorrow.
Stan, you go out on, what, 3.
5 dates a week? What percentage ofthose dates are fun? 55%? Why not fall in loveand get married? He knows more about datingthan anybody should know.
But, what, he's 35years old and he still lives at home with his mother? Artie.
ARTIE: And Laura, you saidyou wanted to get to know me.
I doubt it, becauseI'm in trouble, Laura.
I'm in big trouble.
Because, for the firsttime in my life, I'm alone.
This is the first date I'vebeen since I was 17 years old.
And on that first date, Ifell in love with the woman who became my wife, Debbie.
She lived down the block fromme and we knew each other since the first grade.
Got married right after wegraduated, we bought a house.
We planned on havingkids, but– but she didn't want them right away.
And neither did I.
So wesaid, hell, if it happens, it happens, but guess what? We didn't need anybody else.
We spent every nighttogether, and every weekend locked in the house, having wonderful sex, and just– just sleeping, and eating, and being.
Know what I mean? And then, one day, one lousywinter day, the truck's brakes locked.
Skidded off the roadand into Debbie's car.
And that was it.
One bad brake.
One lousy afternoon and shewas gone, just like that.
Worse than anything I have everfelt.
That was three years ago.
And this is the first timethat I'm sitting at a table with a woman whois not a relative.
And you know why? Because I don'twant to replace her.
I don't want to knowanyone as well as Debbie because nobody will everknow me as well as she did.
I miss her.
I miss her more thananything I have ever known.
I miss her voice.
I miss her face, her littlefeet, and her bad jokes.
And in the middle of thenight, I miss her titties.
Yeah, her titties, Stan.
So if you want to know me, then you know what I'm feeling.
I am feeling grief, andloss, and emptiness.
I didn't know.
This is not a very good date.
I hate this cigarette.
All right, so put it out.
Once I put it out, we'regoing to go back inside and he's going to call.
And you're going to go, and– and then it's never going to be the same again.
This is the last cigarette thatwe're going to smoke like this.
Oh, my God.
Just the two of us.
No, Flora, we– oh, we will still smoke.
Oh, my God, we aregoing to smoke so much.
Wait, come here.
What are you talking about? Baby, we're best friends.
You didn't have a verygood time, did you? Good guess.
Actually, it wasn't a guess.
Your crowd just lefthere like they saw death.
Man, you are aserious kind of guy.
I'll get over it.
Well, if you needanything, you let me know.
Karen? Where are you from? Originally, Bakersfield, California.
You married? I was.
Know what's over? I think I remember the goodtimes even more than the bad.
No, I remember thebad times real well.
I don't want to seeyou anymore, Stan.
What? Why? Did you see how in touchArtie was with his feelings? You are not in touchwith your feelings.
No, I watch Sally Jesse, and I think you have deep rooted problems, Stan.
I mean, I thinkyou might be ill.
You know, emotionally.
What? You have no realsteady girlfriend.
You're always so fussywith your clothes.
You aer so particularwith you're routine.
And you are veryclose to your mother.
Can I get you another one? No, thanks.
Is it OK if I sit here? Not ready to go home yet.
LAURA: Thank God, you're still here.
I was about to go.
I have to talk to you.
Double bourbon on the rocks.
The world is a big place witha lot of little people in it, but it gets smallerwhen a man big enough to express his feelings does.
I told you, I neverbeen to New Zealand.
Who cares? You understand.
I understand cars andtheir exterior parts.
You understand me.
I saw the way you lookedat me, the way you looked into my soul, into my being.
You saw me, Artie.
You saw me like noother person ever has.
I didn't even knowthe color of your eyes.
You saw much deeper than that.
I am confused here.
I told you I'd get yourdented fender on Saturday.
-Come home with me.
-What? Right now.
Don't worry about protection, I've got plenty of it.
You will like my home.
It's on the NassauQueens border.
Out of my bedroomwindow, there's a green lawn and tall trees.
In the middle of thenight, the moonlight falls down upon it, like gentlerain drops of electricity.
Hey, I'm not ready forsomething like this.
I saw that you are.
Oh, my God.
LAURA: I won't takeno for an answer.
Artie, stop resisting.
Whoa, what the– hey, I'll call the cops.
Who cares? I know them all.
Hey, I told you.
I don't want togo home with you.
Look, tell her toleave me alone.
Hey, you heard the guy.
Who the hell are you? I'm his waitress.
Are you OK? That was invigorating.
I never had a womancome on to me like that.
I was not coming on to you.
I was allowing themoment to become something sensual and eternal.
You were the dopewho misread it.
I what? I don't think youunderstand the dynamics of the male and female.
Bringing someoneto sexual ecstasy is one of the only true magicalgifts human beings have.
That is how I see it.
You know why? Because it relieves the pangsof loneliness and fear of death, and it pushes them backinto our subconscious, where they belong.
I'll wait outside inmy car for two minutes.
If you do not walk out tothe street in that time, I'll drive off and you willnever hear from me again.
Hell isn't being alone, it's being in a room filled with peopleand not one of them want to rip your clothes off.
That's hell, mysad, soulful friend.
Damn it, Artie.
This is the worstnight of my life.
Why did you justfall apart on me? I'm sorry, Stan.
The things you saidreally affected me.
You should have seen her.
She was crying in the car.
And she told me– Stan, are you– Gay.
Artie, she thinks I'm gay.
I like nice clothes.
I like dating many women.
I like my mother.
Artie, I never thoughtso much about anything like this in my life.
I thought I was asophisticated guy.
Am I doomed all my lifeto loneliness and brunch? I don't want to think aboutstuff like this anymore.
Do single men die sooner? I don't want to die.
Stan, do you wantme to take you home? I want to confesssomething to you, partner.
Nothing serious, but I do, alone, at home, with no one around.
When my father died, and whenmy pet dog– you remember Lucky, died.
I spent the day drinkinguntil the sun came up.
I'm gonna catch a cab home.
Pick me up at 7:00.
Good night, Stan.
You're going to drivearound for awhile, right? How about if I just, youknow, turn on the game? Don't ruin the game for me.
I'm going to watch it later.
Taping it on VCR.
What do I do? What do I do? ANNOUNCER (ON RADIO): Folks, this is one nasty, bloody game.
Number 35, my God, I thinkhe just got his leg broken.
Wow, these two teams aregonna bat it to the end.
I'm tell you, folks, someone'sgoing to end up dead tonight.
My friend has a problem.
I think I shouldgo home with him.
He probably wants to be alone.
AMY: Where's Stan? He just left.
You must have missed him.
I thought he mighthave come back here.
You can still catch him.
I don't care.
You OK? I've been datingStan for over a year.
And we go out to nice places, you know, we see nice movies, we eat in the best placesin Queens, but he never– He never what? Tries anything.
You– you meanlike– like kissing? No, we do that for hours in thecar and it gets hot and heavy.
And then– OK, good night.
Where are you going? Amy, it's– it'sreally late and– Yeah, we could go to my place.
I don't think that'ssuch a good idea.
Why not? I don't want to trivializethe relationship.
What the hell isthat supposed to mean? You can't make ourrelationship any more superficial than it is now.
Does he ever feelanything deep for anybody? I'm his friend.
I wouldn't know about that.
I mean, I'm not a highschool kid, you know? I've been single all my life.
I mean, I almost gotmarried once to this guy, but he moved to the bay.
Would you like a drink? Artie, would you goout on a date with me? Look, I think that– thatyou are a very nice person.
Can I have a sweet vermouthwith two lemons, please? Something's missing in my life.
I believe it's thelack of a love.
Why is the worldso lonely, Artie? When did things go wrong? You know, everybodyI know is lonely.
Everybody I know is lookingfor the perfect somebody to help make life make sense.
He doesn't needthe perfect someone.
He needs a long vacation inthe mountains by himself.
Can't handle anymore time by myself.
Are you kidding? Being alone is the bestthing for everybody.
I don't think I'm goingto come back here anymore.
Why don't you call Stan? I hurt his feelings.
No, he can take it.
I know he would loveto hear from you.
Maybe Stan has a point.
You know, maybe a gooddate can change your life.
I'm not going to belonely anymore, Artie.
Yeah? Could you give me a light? Yeah, it doesn't always work.
It's, uh, temperamental.
Young man, young, young, young, young, young man, has anyone ever told you thatyou look like a young prince out of the Arabian Nights? You think so? Run along now.
It would be nice to keepyou, but I've got to be good and keep my hands off children.
[scream] [knocking] Johnny? Where's Johnny? He's gone.
No, he's r– r– r– rich.
What? Tampa Bay kicked Denver's ass.
Now we can pay Vladi back.
Demitri, took himto Brighton Beach.
He saved your lifeand now he's gone.
This has to be the worst datethat anybody has ever been on.
Can I buy a drink? Sure, why not? I bet you never sawa bunch of people acting stranger than tonight.
You kidding? I saw worse.
I saw this guy come in oneSaturday afternoon with a shot gun, shoot hiswife, and then shoot the guy that she was with.
There was blood, and brains, and crushed tomatoes all over the place.
Then he goes outto the parking lot and he puts hismouth on the barrel and he pulls the trigger.
What do you drive? What do I drive? A Firebird.
Does death makeyou think of cars? Everything makesme thinking of cars.
Debbie, she was driving aHonda Prelude the day she died.
Automatic power steering, power brakes, sun roof.
What? What? We lost.
We lost big, evenwith the spread.
In fact, I was wondering if Ican borrow a couple of hundred from you so I canpay the limo guy.
What does that mean? I'm sorry, doll.
We're not going.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I got to think.
I got to think, all right? 11, 570 minus 2, 500, 11, 070minus 5, 200– 9, 070.
9, 070, no pasta, no booze, it's OK.
Oh, it's OK.
We'll– it will be OK.
It'll be OK.
Oh, no, baby, it's all right.
-Elizabeth– We had a deal.
It's all right.
No, it's not all right.
Elizabeth, I bet it all.
What? What do you mean all? $11, 570.
Frankie, we had a deal.
Baby, it was a sure thing.
No, Frankie, nothingis a sure thing.
You're old enough to know that.
You're always tryingto live over your head.
Baby, listen, when you startedtalking about all these things you were ready to give up thatyou wanted for your wedding, I just went nuts.
Baby, I don't want you to everhave to give up anything, OK? I bet that money for us.
All right? I bet if for us.
Us? Us, Frankie? There's no us.
You know why? Because you bet our wholefuture on a football game.
Liz, I'm stunned here.
I took a shot to the jaw andI'm the spinning the ring.
Hey, doll? Josepe.
I should beat you deathfor betting all that money.
If you weren't my sister's kid, I swear to God I'd kill you.
If– if I weren't tastethose bets, Johnny wouldn't be 350 thou in the black.
What good is it if he's dead? Where we going? Brooklyn.
Brooklyn? Brooklyn? Brooklyn's bad.
There's only a couple of placesDemitri would have taken him.
We gotta find him.
Would you go out with me? Artie, you don'twant to ask me out.
Why not? Look, the guy was married to, I think he married me because he didn't want to be alone.
And that's an awfulreason to marry someone.
I only asked you out on a date.
A date leads toa goodnight kiss, and then a goodnight kissleads to another date.
And then thatleads to sex, which leads to expectations, anddisappointments, and rejection.
And then some guy comes in andblows your fucking head off between the chickenand the pasta because you don'tlove him anymore.
Debbie and me, we loved eachother and she still died on me.
Yeah, but after howmany years of bliss? After how manyyears of– of never wanting and desiringsomeone you can have? How? Me and my ex, we had one goodweekend at the Jersey Shore.
We made love, we watched TV, we ate, we slept, and then we started all over again.
Three days out of fiveyears of marriage.
I cherish those three days.
And if I ever get another threedays like that before I die, I will be one happy woman.
I think I knowwhat you're saying.
DEMITRI: Get out.
Could I at leastlisten to the score? Demitri, please, justlet me talk to Vladi.
That's all I need.
Just let me talk to Vladi.
I have the money.
Ah– I hate bookies.
[inaudible] Johnny? Didn't you just get this fixed? Here's the ice.
Don't make a mess.
You save my lifetonight, Ann Marie.
You too, stud.
Thought Demitri was goingto shoot the both of you for ruining the gameon him, not to mention what you did to his Town Car.
So are you still going? All right, look, we'dhave to have a ser– [beeping] Here's the phone, Johnny.
Yeah, Johnny? What are you gonnado when you grow up? I'm gonna be nuclearscientist, I– I don't know.
You learn anything tonight? Yeah.
I got a PhD in playing hardball.
You and me both.
You know what, Junior, it's all yours.
You're giving me the beepage? There's no one I wouldrather to have that than you.
Oh, I got– I got you.
Bye, Johnny, thanks.
$11, 570, Flora.
Is the money everything? Ah, shit.
You– you need a hand? Left my friggingkeys in the cars.
I can;t leave my little girl.
I can't leave you.
I want to ask youa question, but I want you to think long andhard before you answer it, OK? OK.
Would you marry me? Yes.
My wife is going tomake Cindy hate me.
I am never going tosee my little girl.
Of course you will.
She's going to want to see you.
You're her father.
What? What? You mean? Oh, man.
I got to close up.
[music playing on jukebox] Would you dance with me? Just one dance.
It's been a long time.
If I was going to breakthe ice with somebody, I– I'd like for it to be you.
[MUSIC – TONY BENNETT, “WHY DO PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE”] Is this Ann Marie Sacka's car? Yeah.
Who are you? I'm a mechanic.
I just fixed this today.
Is she all right? Yeah.
You her husband? Johnny Ma– Sacka Johnny Sacka.
You know, I keep tellinghe she drives too fast.
She can get hurt.
You can get hurtstanding still.
Tell her to bring it downfirst thing in the morning.
I can do it right away.
[car honking] Need a lift? [MUSIC – DONNY PECK, “TAKE YOU FOR A RIDE] [MUSIC – SUZANNEMICHELLE, “THIS BROKEN HEART WILL KILL ME ONE DAY”].