– These adventurers aregoing to find why friend.
– I don't trust you, sir.
And I don't know if you'retelling us the whole truth.
– Please, I'm the last of my family.
– Welcome to Social distancing, and Dungeons and Dragons.
We may be socially distant but through the magic of make belief, we're all closer than ever.
I'm your DM Shane, I'm new at this.
Please bear with me.
Today we've got as always, Steven Lim as Stephanos coffee bean.
He's a halfling cleric withan extremely dead family.
We've got Katie LeBlancas Qezza storm wind, a half orc fighter and an over sharer.
And then we've got Ryan Vergara as Steve who's a half elf Bard, who I hope eventually landson a voice and sticks with.
– Full bellies, fun times.
(dramatic orchestra music) – Last we met our mild manneredheroes found themselves sharing a table, some tales, and yet to be served drinks at the Yawning Portal Tavernin the city of Waterdeep.
After busting up a brawlbetween a half orc named Yagra and a crew of rowdy human bandits, one of whom is now two halves.
The gang asked to the proprietor Durnan, about venturing into the large portal in the center of the tavern.
No sooner could he laughin their cocky faces when from the depths of theportal mighty troll, flanked by nine ghastly stirges emerged.
– What the hell is a stirge? – What's a stirge? – It's like a bat likecreature with a bunch of nasty little claws.
Imagine if a mosquitowere the size of a dog.
Am I painting a picture here? – Clear, crystal clear, – Wonderful, wonderful picture.
I can almost imagine it asif it's right in front of me.
– Oh, beautiful.
I love to hear that.
– So this giant troll isemerging from the portal.
You are all standingthere talking to Durnan the troll rises, it's nine feet tall.
These Stirges are flying around it.
Several of them fall back into the portal but three of them arestill circling the troll.
Troll looks very unhappy.
Durnan turns to you guys and he says, “Oh, it looks like I mightbe needing some help here, I'm gonna run in grab my great sword, If you could all focus onthose nasty little Sturges, Me and Yagra, I think shouldmaybe grab that troll.
” Let's all roll for initiative.
– What the hell is that guygonna do with that sword? – I don't know, it doesn'tlook like he can wield it.
– I don't think the old mancan even get it up, the sword.
– You guys are really underestimating Durnan here.
Let me tell you.
.
.
– Screw Durnan, Durnan can go to hell.
– Yeah, I agree with SteveDurnan can go to hell.
He just laughed at my face.
– Both of you, Shut up.
Do not speak negatively of thepeople who have served you.
– And he never brought me mydrink, I had to bring my own.
– Have you ever served a table before? Tell me.
.
.
– I'm sure you have.
– That's right.
– What was it like, Stephanos? – I've never done so I justassumed that one of you may have – Than what the hell was thepoint of bringing that up? – I don't know.
I don't know.
Okay, – I rolled a six.
– Yeah, I rolled a 16.
– I rolled a 10.
– So, the battle begins.
Durnan leaps over the bar and he's ready to give this troll hell.
As he's running towards thetroll, he yells at you guys, “Focus on the stirges, I'lltake care of this troll, “but be ready because I'mgoing to drop his ass, “and when he does, I want you to, “douse some with that lamp oil, “and we're going to light his ass up.
” He runs and jumps in the air at the troll.
Let's see, it's.
.
.
Well, it's a critical hit.
– Get it Durnan.
– 24 damage to the troll.
– Oh my Lord.
– Maybe I underestimated you old man.
– He stabs the big trollright in his big old belly and innards start to spill out but the troll he's still going for it.
Some people on the bar, they're not quite as afraid now because they're seeing this troll really get his ass handed to him.
Now they're starting to applaud.
Next up is stirge number two.
Who's going to attacksweet young Stefanos.
– No.
– Yeah, that's what I would have done.
– So let's giant winged creaturelunges towards Stephanos.
– Stephanos get out of the way.
– I'm trying, don't knowwhere the Stirge is.
What's happening right now? I don't think I have the.
.
.
(laughing disrupts his speaking) – His attack is a success.
– Have I just passed away? Please, I'm the last of my family.
Coffee beans.
– I cannot wipe out the family name.
– You take two hit points, so you're down to three.
And this giant winged creature sticks his giant needle-likenose into your head, and starts sucking the blood out of you.
– Jesus Christ!That's like Starship Troopers.
– Yeah, that seems like death.
Seems like it.
.
.
– It is a lot like Starship Troopers.
– Steve, you're up.
– All this damn yammeringand I can't even concentrate.
I'm gonna take my rapier out, and I'm gonna cut thatdamn strong thing in half and make that thing's faceinto my own personal pin bag.
– I love to hear it, give it a roll.
– Looks like I got an 18.
– Oh, thank the Lord.
– You make direct contact with the stirge.
You slice it in half, blood pours, in fact, Stefanos' own bloodpours back all over his face.
Because you've just, basicallypopped a big blood balloon.
So that stirge is defeated, it falls to the ground, a lifeless pile of hair, blood and leathery wings.
– You're welcome.
– You good Stephanos? – You know when I becamea halfling, I thought I was going to be hard tohit but apparently not.
Apparently, I'm an easy target for many of these creatures to attack.
– I immediately regret my decision.
– Next up is Stephanos.
– Thank you, yes.
Stephanos is.
.
.
– Take your revenge Stephanos.
– Honestly, I can't thinkvery well right now.
My, my head is Danging, – Danging? – My leg is still bleeding.
– Is your body banging? You got a banging body.
– My body is quite banging.
That's right in this alternate universe, I got a banging body.
That's right.
– Can we make that canon?Is that Stephanos? – Yeah, we can all makea canon that Stefanos has a banging bod.
– But you know what? I still have the strength torely on my number one skill, which is the crossbow.
– That's good.
– I'm going to get my crossbow I'm going to do, the unadvised and I'm going to take a few steps back and fire this crossbowat the other stirges.
Because I believe that even if I die, as long as our team wins, we will continue and trudge forward.
So please, don't leave myhead behind if I died today.
I take my crossbow, and I attack stirges number one.
– Yes.
– I promise I'll carry yourhead with us if you die.
– I'll use it as a basketball.
– I won't see these as abasketball, I'll keep it with me.
– Alright then I'll useit as a volleyball then.
– I won't let Steve useit as a ball at all.
– I rolled a nine.
– So Stephanos fires hiscrossbow, it hits a chandelier, ricochets off of that and just falls flat on the head of a patron who was otherwise enjoying this fight.
But now give Stephanos a dirty look.
– Hey, nice shooting soldier.
– I don't have a head ora leg right now Steve, I'm trying my best.
– Well try harder.
(laughs) – The surgeon that you shot at now has you in his sights and he, it seems like he's gettinga little watery mouth looking at all that bloodflowing out of your, punctured head.
– Stirge number three nowturns its attention to Steve.
– When's it my turn? – Bring it on big boy.
Let's go.
– And he's gonna go for a blood drain.
See that's a plus five.
He is successful.
He plants.
.
.
– God damn it.
– He swoops down and plants his old straw right into your little nogginand start sucking away.
– All the old familiar places.
– That's gonna be a six damage.
So that brings you down to two.
– Oh no.
– Now you've got a big oldstirge stuck to your head.
They're just sampling you guys today.
– Kinda feels good actually, kinda feels like a nice massage.
– Next up is Qezza.
– Yeey.
– Oh thank heavens.
– Okay, seeing it land on Steve, I, think about it for a second.
(Ryan laughs) And then decided to pursue the third stirge with my great sword.
Going right for the proboscis.
– I rolled a seven.
– So that's 11.
Again, you swing for the stirge and then you know, they're fast.
It's like trying to catch a mosquito.
This thing just fliesright out of the way.
And he doesn't look too happy.
– But wait, but he leftSteve, he disconnected.
– It's just flying aroundwith Steve's little body.
Just attached to it.
– I've always wanted to see thebod from this vantage point.
– Thank you Qezza, thank you for your excellent marksmanship.
– I tried man I'm.
.
.
– Stirge number one feeling slighted, that you went after his friend, because I guess they care.
They have that Emotional Intelligence.
Goes after Qezza.
– They're highly intelligent like pigs.
Goes after Qezza, it swoops down.
And you managed to duck out of its way, it crashes into a little keg, and it looks a little woozy.
Hopefully it gets back on its feet.
Yagra your old pal from the fight earlier, now jumps into the frame.
And she actually is also gonnago after stirge number three.
That is still flying around with Steve's flailing little corpse attached to it.
She's gonna attack with her crossbow, and that's a hit.
That's gonna be.
.
.
– Thank God.
– Four damage so thatkills stirge number three.
It falls to the ground and Steve, you're a lucky man today.
You may wanna pull that thingout of your head though.
– Well, I think I've kindof grown to like into it.
– Well, keep it in I guess.
(laughs) – That's Stockholmsyndrome, with a stirge.
– Next up, the big old troll.
He's taken a swing at Durnan because Durnan took a swing at him.
Let's see he's going to slash at him with his big ugly claws.
He actually misses, trolls he's not very fast.
He's not a very agile man.
Durnan laughing his ass off.
Takes another swing at a troll, and that's why he hitsthe troll quite hard.
– I love Durnan now, he's a mad man.
– He's laughing, (laughs loudly) (mumbles) He feels good about it.
– Speaking of which, I'm feelinga little woozy over here.
I'm starting to lose feeling of my feet.
I've lost a lot of blood.
– Keep it together Steve.
– Well, Steve, you're up next.
Keeping in mind you onlyhave one stirge left and after this you guyscan also take action so, I recall Durnan yelling atyou guys to grab some lamp oil and maybe try and throw it on the troll, who is close to death at this point.
So that may be a goodcourse of action after that.
Shall we discuss what we shall do because I feel like we need to work together.
– You can yell to each other.
– Steve, I think you shouldattack the little bat fiend and I will use my, I think I have a spell Icould use a cure wound, so why don't I throw that spell at you, and then we'll come home victorious.
– That'll leave me to throwthe lamp oil on the troll.
– No, no look.
So here's the plan.
I have this thing called, like Bartok inspiration, which could basically inspireany creature around me to I guess, like punchabove their weight class.
So look, Stephanos, I know you and I don't really see eye to eye, but here's what I think.
I think deep down insideyou there is a heart and maybe even some strength and courage.
I mean, looking at you, youcould have fooled me but, I believe in you Stefanos.
And in the spirit of us beinga team and this being a quest, I want you to climb ontop of Qezza's shoulders jump off of her big ass head and stab that troll in the noggin.
And finally, save usall from this hellhole.
– Most wonderful thingI've ever heard in my life.
– Do you feel inspired Stephanos, do you feel inspired toactually hit something for once? – I cannot tell if it'sthe lightheadedness of this hole in my heador the hole in my shin, or your rousing speech thathas gotten me to feel good, but, I think I can do it, I believe.
I believe in the heart.
– Well then get yourlittle buns on top of that big gal over there and save us.
– To jump off of her, we'regonna ask you to do an athletics check.
– You always believed inme, and I believe in you.
And that's why we'regonna win this together.
I just rolled mother effin 20 baby.
– Stephanos, why don't youroll for a mace attack? – No, what is it? – It's a three.
– It's a three three.
– It's a three three.
– Okay, – Oh no.
– Stefanos climbs upQezza leaps off of her does three somersaults in the air and is flying towards the trolls head.
Stefanos' somersaults areso impressive that the troll is sort of swept away bythe beauty of his form.
– Oh wow.
– And it's standing there, mouth agape, mouth wide open so wide in fact, that little Stephanos flies right into thetrolls mouth, and the troll really doesn't even notice him and continues to attack people and starts to chew on Stephanos like gum.
So Stefanos is stuck in thetrolls mouth at the moment, unfortunately.
(Lim mumbles as Ryan laughs) – I can't just let them suffer in there.
I make a move to cutthe throat of the troll.
Roll.
I'm Rolling.
I rolled 14 plus fourmodifiers, that's 18.
– Wonderful, why don'tyou roll for damage? – Oh, I rolled an 18.
– You lunge toward the troll and swing your giant great sword and you connect quite well.
So hard that you sliceclean through the bone and the troll's giant head lops and falls right off ofhis body onto the ground.
Dirnan looks fairly disappointed.
But the troll has been defeated.
Yagra's left so she'sgonna take one quick swing at this last stirge up here.
– Get it Yagra.
– She connects quite well.
The Sturge is alsodefeated, Congratulations.
– Stefanos, how wasyour stay in that Airbnb inside that troll's mouth? Why don't you just crawlout of that big ass hole.
– My legs don't work.
I have three hit pointsleft, my shin's bleeding.
– Speak for yourself.
I got two hit points left and a hole the size of Texas in my head.
– What's Texas? – Good point.
– A distant, distant land.
– Yagra walks over to you andsays, “I'll tell you what, “I know I was a littleupset with you earlier for, “Taking my candy away in the form of that, “Fun little fight I was in but, “I'd like to thank you for allowing me to, “Join you in this battle.
“You guys have proven yourselves worthy, “I'm gonna go back to thebar now I'll see you later.
” Then Durnan walks over to youand says, “You fought well.
“Well, I hope you'veenjoyed your time here.
“Can we add troll me to the menu, “We got a light this guy up.
” Then he cues his chefs to come on over and start slicing that bad boy up.
– So is this just like a normalday in your establishment? You know, people justgetting cut in half and then trolls using a tiny elf people or whatever the hell Stephanos is as gum.
– Hey, that's just another dayhere at, The Yawning Portal.
By the way, drinks areon the house for this one because you guys didme a solid back there.
– You know what, you're all right then.
– Yeah.
– You're all right my book.
– He cues his little server over and they bring you some drinks.
So now you can kick backand enjoy your time here.
– Awesome, we deserve those drinks.
– Would it be possiblefor me to use a spell to kill the wounds ofmy friend at this point? – Yeah sure.
– Would love to restoresome of the hit points of Steve over here because I think.
.
.
– Oh, look at you saving himbefore you save yourself.
– Well, thank you for thehead point, Stephanos.
You know, you actuallyfought pretty well despite beefing it there at the end, I guess the somersaultswere pretty cool, though.
– It was great, it was very athletic.
Good job.
– As you're sitting at thetable, you hear a voice.
Someone's making his waythrough the crowd and, you hear a man and then you see him, and he's a bearded man, a veryjovial, lively looking man.
And he says, “Yes, yes.
What dazzling spectacles, “What ravishing elan “And here I thought this sub-human brute, “Literally the size of a mountain, “Would make short work ofthis whole Tavern and yet, “You be adventurers, am I correct? “I could certainly use your help.
“Let's find a table, shall we?” – Let's hear him out.
Well, I'm feeling good.
– Wait, wait, wait, before we say yes he'sbuying though right.
– Well, they're free drinks.
We just got drinks onthe house, we're good.
– Oh, yeah, you're right.
I want more free drinks though.
– Come with me, come with me.
The figure who approached you strokes, his mustache adjusts his floppyhat and tightens his scarf.
“Volderthump Getarm, chronicler, wizard, “and celebrity at your service.
“I trust you've noted theviolence in our fair city these past 10 days.
“I haven't seen so much blood since my last visit to boulders gate.
“But now I fear I have misplaced a friend, “amid this odious malevolence.
“My friend's name is Floon Blagmarsh, “he's got more beauty than brains.
“And I worry he took a bad wayhome a couple of nights ago, “and was kidnapped, or worse.
“If you agree to track themdown with all due haste, “I can offer you 10 dragons a piece now, “And I can give you each 10times that when you find Floon.
“May I prevail upon youwith my hour of need?” – I mean, that's prettycompelling offer guys, I gotta say I'm interested.
– It is pretty good.
You're not holding outon this though, huh? What's the catch? – Do I look like I would hold out on you? – Yeah, that's why I asked it.
– Yeah, what more can youtell us about your friend? What kind of business was he in? – Are you talking about Floon? – No, the other one youweren't talking about for the past two minutes.
– (laughs) I like you.
– Get on with it windbag.
– I like him.
– This guy is a weirdo.
– Well Floon is a very handsome man.
I saw him a couple of nights ago.
In fact, we shared a drinkdown at the skewered dragon.
You know, that oldTavern down by the docks.
You're from around here, youknow the place don't you? – I don't.
– No, we're not from around here.
– No, not at all.
– Well, like I said, I don'tknow where he's been since then it's been a couple of days and I'm just starting toget worried that's all.
100 dragons for sure is what I'll give you when you return him.
But he must be alive.
That's the one stipulation.
I'd like him back in onepiece if, if at all possible.
– What can you give us ifwe bring back his body? – Well, I'll give you a lotof guff, I'll tell you that.
He's a friend like I said, why would I want him dead? – You can tell us a littlebit more about your friend and how he disappeared? Like, who took them and whatnot.
– As I said, I don't know.
All I can tell you is that we were drinking at the skewered dragon, I bid him good night aftera few rounds of gambling, and I haven't seen him since.
– You say you're a celebrity? – Oh well Yes, maybeyou've read my my books.
– I haven't.
– Oh, Volos guide to monsters? – Nope, doesn't ring any bells.
– You wrote that book? That was you? – I did right, I am Volo.
– Let me just say, Idon't trust celebrities, and I especially don't trust people who refer to themselves as celebrities.
So I will say, I don't trust you, sir.
And I don't know if you'retelling us the whole truth.
– Perhaps I shall do an inside check.
I do have plus full insight.
And we all know that I'mextraordinarily good at rolling at the appropriate times so.
.
.
– Take it away.
– Let's roll a D 20.
I have rolled a 20.
Wow.
– Okay.
– There we go.
– So Stefanos, you recallthrough all your readings of this man's book that heis known to be an honest man.
He is not a flimflammeror a man who would, otherwise try to con you in some way.
So Stefanos, you can askhim to sort of level with, you know he's an honest guy.
But maybe if you're curious if he's being completely upfrontwith you, you can ask him to.
– All right, good.
Good, sir, I have readquite many of your volumes, followed your life closely and, I'm honored to be in your presence.
You are a celebrity after all.
– Thank you, I am a celebrity.
(laughs) I like him.
– But please, before wego on this quest and, I would say the three of us are probably going to go on this quest because, we do love working together.
We just met but, we doget along quite well.
Level with us though, is there anything that you'renot telling us right now? I do know you to be an honest man.
– Well, if I'm beingtotally honest with you all, I may not have currently theappropriate number of dragons to pay you upon your return, but I want you to know, that I should by the time you get back.
I'm writing a follow up bookto my hugely successful book, Volos guide to monsters.
It's called Volos guideto spirits and specters.
So yeah, I think it'sgonna sell pretty well and I will be able to pay youafter all I am a celebrity.
– You mean to tell me thatwe're depending on the profits of a sequel of a bookI've never even heard of.
– Yes, but this thing's gonna be a hit.
– Alrighty Volo, you know I respect thehell out of you and I love your work the guide to the monsters.
But just, but if you don'tmind, let us chat a bit.
We're gonna need to offlineso if you could just give us a moment todiscuss it among ourselves.
– Go take all the time youneed take all the time you need but keep in mind My friend is missing.
– We understand thank you Volo- Okay.
– Also Can I have your signature? – Yes, absolutely.
– Maybe after the power.
You could just put that pen down.
Yeah, maybe after the power.
– Done and done, here you go.
– Oh, well.
– It's already taken care of.
I keep them in my pocket.
– Thank you Volo.
– Has he gone? – Yeah, I think he's gone.
– You've stepped away from him.
– Okay.
Look, I think if he's a celebrity, if he doesn't come up with the cash, we'll just hold him for ransom.
Somebody will pay us.
– Yeah, seems like a good plan.
But that might be a problemfor a little superfan Stephanos over here who probably has this guy posted all over his Tumblr or something.
– When I was young, I did not have much.
And obviously as the seventhof 13 children, and yes, they have all passed away.
But, the one vibrant memorythat is deep within this brain is my older brother, his name was Rihanna.
And Rihanna.
.
.
– Right, – Loves to read and he gaveme this one book by Volo and that book I treasuredVolos guide to masters.
I learned everything aboutthe world through that book.
Through the lens of Volo, and let me tell you, I think like Volo and if you believe me, trust me you will trust Volo.
So, even if he gives us no money, I didn't want to do it for him because of how he has impactedmy life dearly from day one.
– Well, that was rousing and I appreciate it but I don'twanna do it for no money.
He said he can pay us 10 dragons each up front though, – He will do.
– So that's enough to get us started.
– We could negotiatesome more money up front.
He's a kind soul he'll understand.
We may need the money to get there.
Maybe some kind of collateral.
I mean, he doesn't havethe money right now, but maybe he could give ussomething that's worth something.
– All right.
All right.
– Stephanos talk to him.
– Volo, we've come to anagreement, come back here.
– Oh, of course.
How are you all? – This guy sucks.
– Wonderful.
Thanks again for the signature but we.
.
.
– Absolutely.
– Yes.
We would like to go on thequest because you know what, we like you and we like money.
But, one.
.
.
– It means the world to me.
– One small consideration, as you were saying you don'thave the money right now so, why don't you share alittle bit of collateral? – I can give you, how about this? – It's an urn, and it hasmy father's ashes in it.
– Lord.
(all laugh) – Okay, what would we do with those? What would we do with your father's ashes? – Not much, I hope.
– And you would be eager toget these back, I suppose? – Yes, it's my father.
– All right, then take hisfather's ashes and let's go.
– Here you go.
– Sweet, I'm glad we made adeal for some old man dust.
– He turns to everyoneat the bar and says, “Please, adventurers aregoing to find my friend.
” And everyone Cheers.
– Yay.
Go us.
– I think that's wherewe'll cap it this week.
Next week we shall begin our adventure as we track down themissing Floon Blagmar.
– Kinda name is that? – All right, yeah.
I'm excited for this quest till next time, nickels and pickles.
– [Shane And Katie] Nickles and pickles? – Yeah, that's my catchphrase.
– Oh, all right.
Well, I'll see you next weekeverybody, nickels and pickles.
– Nickels and pickles.
– Adios.
(dramatic orchestra music).
