[Music] bringing these stories of dating love and sex and sometimes in there comes cheating that's what we're talking about today we have heard from people who have cheated who have been cheated on and now the experts are here to weigh in psychologists Ramani Durvasula is back with us
and sexuality and relationship expert Logan Levkoff joins us as well welcome to you both whether our women cheating as much as men I know that the rates of women cheating have gone up here's what's interesting 23% of men cheat 19% of women so I guess gender equality has
brought a lot of good is that women are catching up in some not very nice places and so the fact is that women are working out of the home more and we've changed sort of the sexual customs that of our world women are more open and in touch
with their sexuality and sometimes say I want something different and it's not just men who can be narcissistic and toxic women can too and the same reasons can motivate them to do some really mean things look and what is what is this thing Micro chief micro cheating yes
it's an umbrella term for basically any moment connection experience behavior where you are sharing some kind of intimate or emotional connection with someone other than your partner and you're hiding that perhaps from your actual part so what is that we were talking about it could it be like
it could it be the that heart emoji that you send to somebody like what how small could you go the truth is it could really be anything because any sort of infidelity is really in the eye of the person who's experiencing it right so for my partner getting
heart emoji might not be a big deal but if I was having some kind of ongoing narrative text thread with someone where I was sharing things about my life and feelings that I wasn't sharing with my partner that could be different but again it could be little it
could be big it's really about your individual relation I feel like it all comes down to would you be okay if your spouse saw you doing this you know what whatever you're doing would you be okay if your spouse knew and if the answer is no get out
of there right if your partner wouldn't be okay that's a real absence of empathy isn't it that and that's always a question I say to people ask yourself that question would you be okay if right now your partner was doing what you're doing with someone else why do
people cheat I mean because first of all this is let's take on the sociopaths which I am you guys but like the sociopaths is is that as rare as we'd like to Alicia was more rare it's not as rare as you think and I think sadly we're sort
of rewarding people for being mean you know we're very successful and they're in the press and they get a lot of attention and that's what our world has become and so I think sadly it's not as rare as you thinking because they're so charming the first guest talked
a lot about how charming someone else is if I had one piece of dating advice to anyone out there if somebody's really charming when you meet them don't date them with that so it's that idea of I mean they're almost like hunters they figure out exactly what matters
to they'll earn you they study you and they gather all that information and it's a manipulation she used the term love-bombing that's what it is they find out exactly what works for you and they get right in there and you believe that you're in the middle of a
fairy tale I like to consider myself an optimist all of these conversations are amazing jumping-off points for us to think about what we feel fulfilled by you know do we take advantage of our partners who do we take certain things for granted and as things come up we
have a responsibility to talk about this is what I'm feeling this is what I mean listening to your partner where are you because often times people cheat because you know they they're not their needs aren't being met in some way but they're taking the easy way out because
we're afraid to have those really tough conversations oh it's like it's hard to start them but once you get them rolling it's so rewarding I have to save Doug and I will sit down with each other and say I'm feeling disconnected from you you know I just don't
feel connected and you yeah I don't know why and then we'll start talking and evitable II we feel better when we're doing that conversation okay but here's what people really want to know how do I know if my spouse is cheating on me how do I know what
are the signs [Applause] Durvasula and sexuality and relationship expert Logan Levkoff talking about cheating so let's just talk is there a telltale sign that we need to look for to figure out whether somebody's cheating so I hate to say it but I mean really the best change is
get away with it and there are no signs I mean that's a very sad and I know everything but I'd say them I know what I'd say and what I've seen over a lot of many years of clinical practice it's change it's changed so they something changes they
lose a bunch of weight they lose a bunch of weight maybe want to give them a nod on that one but some of these changes are superficially they start going to work like looking really fine you know like that happened to you it's green juice in the exact
green juice in the morning and you look hot or like they go to the grocery store in full hair and makeup and you're there are you going yeah that's a superficial stuff but I would say though a lot of it can be attitudinal are they more distant from
you yeah do they feel cut off like you were talking about you know with your partner like you know we're feeling disconnected or are they more warm and affectionate than they've ever been before because it can go one way or the other often you're like your dirty Nancy
all of a sudden like what happened so yeah I would say monitor the change and then finally the electronic world – if they won't leave their phone like they go into the bathroom with the phone they go into the shower with the phone yeah that's when you want
to pay attention why can't I look at your phone okay I should be able look at your phone right why and if you trust each other you're not anything it's like go for it I'm all about trust our guys – we don't know we're not really good at
that our bodies tell us things like something doesn't feel right yep we should act on it simply because at worst we have to you know make a culpa and say I'm sorry I was feeling something I made a mistake but but I wanted to you know I wanted
to check it what about that question that we were talking about before once a cheater always a cheater is that true I know I know people who have cheated who have gone on to be faithful so howdy is that a true saying fish yeah how's that it's not
a bad idea and so it's listen and one rule we have in psychology past behavior predicts future behavior past is prologue okay so I mean listen if somebody cheated on their 19 year old boyfriend and you're meeting them when they're 30 I might I might let that one
go but if their history has been multiple relationships that have ended due to infidelity or there's been infidelity and they've cheated on you I would definitely mine the store but most importantly there's two kind of cheaters there are the toxic narcissistic cheaters and then they're the oh gosh
I really I really feel bad about this cheaters the toxic narcissistic unimpacted entitled cheaters they're not going to change they're not going to change they're just gonna keep doing this so if you're signing on to that you better realize what you're signing on for well keep said keep
it real but if you're with one of the oh my gosh this was a workplace thing gone out of control I'm so sorry I can't believe it you go into therapy there's self-reflection their self-awareness you've got something to work with and I've seen some couples come back stronger
than ever but if you've got one of those talks of cheaters this is what you signed up for and don't act surprised when it happens again what's the running sneakers on ladies thank you today fans thanks for checking out our youtube channel subscribe by clicking that button down
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