– IF YOU WOULD JUST GET UPAND TEACH 'EM INSTEAD OF HANDING THEMA FREAKING PACKET, YO.
THERE'S KIDS IN HEREWHO DON'T LEARN LIKE THAT.
THEY NEED TO LEARNFACE TO FACE.
YOU WANT KIDS TO COMEINTO YOUR CLASS, YOU WANT THEM TO GET EXCITEDFOR THIS, YOU GOTTA COME IN HEREAND YOU GOTTA MAKE 'EM EXCITED.
YOU WANT A KID TO CHANGEAND START DOING BETTER, YOU GOTTA TOUCHHIS FREAKING HEART.
YOU CAN'T EXPECT A KID TO CHANGEIF ALL YOU DO IS JUST TELL HIM.
I'M NOT BITCHING, BUT SIMPLY MAKINGAN OBSERVATION.
– OKAY.
– BECAUSE SINCE I GOT HERE I'VE DONE NOTHINGBUT READ PACKETS.
SO DON'T TRYAND TAKE CREDIBILITY FOR TEACHING ME JACK.
– WILL SOMEBODY STARTSHOOTING ALREADY? THAT SCHOLAR WITH THE SPLIT ENDSIS JEFF.
AND WHEN HE'S NOT CLOGGINGDRAINS WITH THAT HORSETAIL, HE'S LEADINGA ONE-ROOM REVOLUTION AGAINST UNINSPIRING TEACHERS.
HIGH SCHOOL IS JUST LIKE GLEE, TONS OF KIDS DYINGOF DRUG OVERDOSES.
MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT SCHOOL IS BEING ABLE TO HOOK UPWITH GIRLS RIGHT AFTERTHEIR FIRST PERIOD.
OR THEIR HOMEROOM, WHENEVER.
BUT LET'S STOPCALLING IT “SCHOOL”.
SCHOOL IS WHAT THEY HAVEIN ASIA.
WHAT WE HAVE IS DAYCARE.
PEOPLE ALWAYS SAYBEING A TEACHER IS THE MOST THANKLESS JOB.
BUT I FEEL LIKE IT'S ONLY JOBWE DO THANK.
YOU GET SUMMERS OFF.
SO EAT YOUR FREE APPLEAND SHUT THE HELL UP.
THE ONLY TEACHERTHAT DESERVES A PILE OF MONEY IS A SPECIAL ED TEACHER.
THEY'RE IN CONSTANT DANGEROF BEING ASSAULTED BY A 22-YEAR-OLDIN AN ANGRY BIRDS T-SHIRT.
GETTING GOOD GRADESISN'T HARD.
JUST GOOGLE, COPY, PASTE, ADJUST THE FONT, FIX THE MARGINS, THE END.
NOBODY WILL EVER CAREABOUT YOUR GPA.
THE ONLY NUMBER THAT MATTERSIN LIFE IS NET WORTH.
I WENT TO UCF.
MY HEAD WRITER WENT TO HARVARD.
GUESS WHO TELLS WHOWHAT THE [bleep] TO DO.
BY THE WAY, HOW COME WE DON'TLET THE STUDENTS STAY PUT IN BETWEEN CLASSES AND MAKE TEACHERS MOVEFROM ROOM TO ROOM? THAT WAY THERE'S TEN PEOPLETRYING TO GET ACROSS CAMPUS INSTEAD OF SETTING LOOSE700 ZIT-FACED, HORMONE JUNKIES EVERY HOUR.
I'M JUST BRAINSTORMING.
BUT ALL THAT STONER RAPUNZELWANTS TO DO IS COMPLETELY CHANGEOUR NATION'S EDUCATION POLICY FROM THE GROUND UP.
AND HOW HARD CAN THAT BE? THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIMTO CALIFORNIA, WHERE THE TEACHERS ARETHE HIGHEST PAID IN THE NATION BUT THE STUDENTS RANK 48THIN MATH AND 49TH IN READING, FOR THIS WEEK'SWEB REDEMPTION.
[hip-hop music] ♪ RISE AND SHINE, GIVE GOD THE GLORY, GLORY ♪ ♪ RISE AND SHINE, GIVE GOD THE GLORY, GLORY ♪ ♪ RISE AND SHINE, GIVE GOD THE GLORY, GLORY ♪ ♪ CHILDREN OF THE LORD ♪ ♪ THE LORD SAID TO NOAH ♪ ♪ “THERE'S GONNA BEA FLOODY, FLOODY” ♪ ♪ LORD SAID TO NOAH ♪ ♪ “THERE'S GONNA BEA FLOODY, FLOODY” ♪ ♪ GET THOSE CHILDREN OUTOF THE MUDDY, MUDDY ♪ ♪ CHILDREN OF THE LORD ♪ – OKAY, I'M UP.
– TIME TO LEARN! I'M SO GLAD THE COURTLET ME ADOPT YOU FOR ONE DAY SO I COULD HOMESCHOOL YOU.
– [sighs] QUE BIEN? [speaking Spanish] – AND THAT CONCLUDESTODAY'S SPANISH LESSON.
– [speaking Spanish] – I'M SURE THAT WAS NICERTHAN IT SOUNDED.
ALL RIGHT, SO NORMALLY THIS ISWHERE I WOULD INTERVIEW YOU, BUT I'M A LITTLE BURNED OUT.
SO I PREPARED A PACKETOF QUESTIONS I WOULD ASK YOU.
– QUESTION ONE, DO I NEED TO TELL MY PARTNERIF THERE'S BLOOD IN MY SEMEN? – WRONG PACKET! THOSE ARE QUESTIONSFOR MY DOCTOR.
AND I'D APPRECIATEIF YOU'D RESPECT MY PRIVACY.
NOW WHERE YOU FROM?- DALLAS.
– DO YOU LIKE DALLAS?- YEAH.
IT'S MY HOME.
– WALK US THROUGHWHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY.
– I JUST GOT IN CLASSAND TAKING A TEST, FINISHING IT UPFROM THE DAY BEFORE.
AND THAT'S WHY WE DIDN'T GETTHE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME TO TAKE THE TEST.
AND SHE TOLD METO QUICK BITCHING, SO I WENT OFF.
– YOU WERE FINISHING UP A TEST THAT YOU HAD ALREADY TAKENTHE DAY BEFORE? – YEAH.
– SO YOU GET TO START A TEST, GO HOME, CHEAT LIKE CRAZY, AND THEN COME BACK THE NEXT DAYAND FINISH.
– IF YOU WANTED TO, I GUESS.
– I DON'T UNDERSTAND THISAT ALL.
THIS TEACHER'S GOT TONSOF FLAWS.
DO YOU HOW MUCH TEACHERSGET PAID? – CRAP.
– DO YOU FEEL BAD FOR YELLINGAT A POOR PERSON? – NOT THAT TEACHER, NO.
[laughs] – WERE YOU A LITTLE UPSETTHAT YOU SAID “CREDIBILITY” VERSUS “CREDIT”? – SO DON'T TRYAND TAKE CREDIBILITY FOR TEACHING ME JACK.
– YOU SHOULD'VE SAID”TAKE CREDIT”.
IT WAS ALMOSTA PERFECT SPEECH.
– HEAT OF THE MOMENT.
– I HEAR YOU.
WHY DO YOU POINT SO MUCHWHEN YOU'RE TALKING? – SHOW AUTHORITY.
OR.
.
.
SOMETHING.
– WHAT'S SUBJECT WAS THAT?- WORLD HISTORY.
– WHAT'S YOUR BEST SUBJECT?- WORLD HISTORY.
– OH, REALLY?- YEAH.
– WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PERIODOF HISTORY TO STUDY? – PRESENT.
– HMM.
– WHAT'S GOING ON NOW.
– DOESN'T SEEM LIKETHAT'S HISTORY.
– WELL, I MEAN, THE PRESENT.
IT'S HISTORY NOW.
RIGHT NOW IS THE PAST, SO.
– DON'T PULL SHENANIGANSWITH ME.
I SEE THROUGHTHAT BULL[bleep].
WHAT KINDA STEREOTYPESDO YOU GET BECAUSE OF YOUR HAIR? – I GET THE STONERSTEREOTYPE.
– DO YOU SMOKE A LOTTA WEEDTHOUGH? – NO.
– EVER SMOKED WEED? – NO.
– THAT'S A LIE.
– YEAH.
– WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE MEMBEROF THE BAND NELSON? – YOU LOST ME THERE.
– OH!YOU'LL LOVE THEM.
DO YOU THINKYOU'LL GRADUATE ON TIME? – NO, I'M ALREADY BEHIND.
– HOW FAR BEHIND ARE YOU?- A YEAR.
– DID YOU SKIP, QUIT?- I DROPPED OUT.
– THAT'S WORKED OUT SO WELLFOR SO MANY PEOPLE.
– NO.
[laughing] – ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH OF THIS CHITCHAT.
I THINK I FIGURED A WAYTO TOUCH YOUR HEART.
YOU CAN'T LEARN HISTORYFROM A BOOK.
YOU HAVE TO EXPERIENCE IT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
– WHAT IS THAT?- IT'S A PHONE BOOTH.
PEOPLE USED THESE DISGUSTINGTHINGS BEFORE IPHONES.
BUT THIS ONE'S SPECIAL.
IT'S IS FROM BILL AND TED'S BOGUS JOURNEY.
I WON IT BIDDINGON GEORGE CARLIN'S DELINQUENT STORAGE UNIT.
NOW PUT THOSE ON.
– I'M JEFF BLISS ESQUIRE.
– AND I'M DANIEL TOSH LOGAN.
AND WE'RE ABOUTTO LEARN HISTORY.
[electric guitar lick] [electricity crackles] GREAT! NOW WE CAN NEVER GO BACKTO EQUINOX.
REAL FUNNY LOCKING EVERYBODYIN THE SAUNA, HITLER.
– IT WAS A JOKE.
– CAN I GO HOME NOW? – SHUT THE [bleep] UP, CARL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE I LETSUCH A WIMP LIKE YOU BULLY ME FROM FOURTH TO SIXTH GRADE.
THANKS, HITLER.
I OWE YOU WON.
HIGH FIVE.
– HEIL FIVE.
– EVE, KNOCK IT OFF.
JEFF, WE'VE BEEN TRAVELINGTHROUGH TIME ALL DAY.
TELL US WHAT YOU'VE LEARNED.
– CARL, YOU WERE DANIEL'SCHILDHOOD BULLY.
THAT IS NOTHINGTO BE PROUD OF.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TAKE A SECONDTO ANALYZE WHAT'S REALLY GOING ONWHEN YOU DO THAT TO PEOPLE.
AND AN EL CAMINO? THAT'S NO CARFOR A 16-YEAR-OLD ANYWAY.
AND EVE, YOU LOOK AMAZING FOR A WOMAN THAT HAS TO BIRTHTHE ENTIRE PLANET.
SURE, YOU'VE SOME PROBLEM AREAS.
WE ALL DO.
BEAUTY IS IMPERFECTION.
– [coughs] DORK! WHAT?SOMETHING WAS IN MY THROAT.
[electric guitar lick] – HITLER, WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN? YOU'RE GOING TO BE KNOWNAS THE BIGGEST PRICK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN AND HAVE A COUPLEOF CONVERSATIONS WITH SOME JEWS.
HONESTLYTHEY'RE NOT THAT BAD.
SOME ARE REALLY COOL.
AND TELL ME DON'T FEELMORE COMFORTABLE IN A PAIROF KHAKI SHORTS.
– HEY, I'M SERIOUS.
– AND MICHAEL JACKSON, YOU'RE GONNA BETHE KING OF POP ONE DAY.
BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE.
HAVE FUN BEING A KID.
AND YOU LOOK GREATAS A BLACK KID.
JUST STAY YOU.
– GOOD ENOUGH.
YOU GET AN “A”.
NOW TAKE EVERYBODY BACK.
GOOD-BYE.
WHERE DO YOU KEEP GETTINGTHESE APPLES? MISS YOU THE MOST, BUDDY.
NOT SO FAST, JACKO.
YOU'RE BETTER OFF STAYING HERE.
– WHAT ABOUT MY BROTHERS?- THEY'RE DEAD WEIGHT! IF YOU STAY, I'LL BUY YOU A MONKEY.
– OKAY.
– JEFF, SAFE TRAVELS.
– YOU TOO.
– ALL RIGHT.
BE EXCELLENT TO EACH OTHER.
[electric guitar lick] OKAY.
NOW SING ME MAN IN THE MIRROROR YOU'RE SLEEPING IN THE SHED.
– I DON'T KNOW THAT SONG.
– OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
HE WAS HAVING A HARD TIMEFALLING ASLEEP LATER, SO I GAVE HIMA LITTLE PROPOFOL.
THAT'S SAFE, RIGHT?.
