I got to do someinternational shows this year I performed in Japan for the first time which was amazing.
I mean I wasn’t in Japan just forstand-up, I was also modeling.
I wish that wasn’t that funny but.
But Japan the Japanese are just they’re better at beinghuman, can we admit that? You know they’re more polite, they're better at design the Japanese toilet, are youfamiliar with the Japanese toilet? The Japanese took the most disgustingexperience of human existence and fixed it.
The Japanese toilet washes you, dries you, does your taxes and that is in a Tokyo airport bathroom.
You leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner then when you walked in.
You leave an Americanpublic restroom with PTSD.
Your only thought is, how can I forget that experience? Is there alcohol nearby? The entire time I was inJapan I felt over weight probably because I am over weight.
But generally the Japanese are thin I mean they’re people thatare over weight in Japan but not like in America.
We’re better at not being thin because if you get really fat inJapan, they make you Sumo wrestle.
They make their fat people fight each other to entertain the thin people, and the fat people in Japan go along with it.
“Why am I doing this?””It's prestigious now you try and push thatother fat-ass out of the circle while we try not to giggle but first put on this giant diaperand put your hair in a bun.
It's very dignified.
” The Japanese are quite and polite, they're like the opposite of my children.
I had my kids with me and theywhere always making loud noises.
Occasionally I would catch a Japaneseperson looking at my poorly behaved kids and then they would look at me and I would always say the same thing.
Of course we're not Canadian, but that is what some Americans dowhen they travel internationally.
They tell people they areCanadian, which I think is cowardly.
That's why I always tell people I'm North Korean.
Then I get the respect I deserve! How much attention does the countryof North Korea need at this point? Every two days North Korea is like, “We're gonna blow up the world!” Isn’t there a part of you that'slike, then just do it? Get it over with you spaz.
“Jim, don’t even joke around about that.
What if someone from NorthKorea was in thew audience? They have a missile program.
” It's kind of fun tracking the NorthKorean missile program right? They're like, “North Korea hasmissiles that can reach Alaska.
” Oh my gosh, Alaska? Well, I don’t know anyonethat lives in Alaska.
“North Korea has missiles thatcan reach the West Coast.
” Oh my gosh, the West Coast? Well, I don’t go there that often.
“North Korea has missiles thatcan reach the East Coast.
” Well, we've got to dosomething about this.
Now we're talking about real people.
Did some shows in China all in Chinese picked it up at the Y.
It's not that hard, wasn’t that complicated.
You visit some places and you thinkalright, there's a language barrier but I can get by.
And in China I was like, oh if I got lost I would die here.
I wouldn’t last half a day everyone is looking at melike I'm a ghost anyway.
The Chinese where very nice they where fascinated with my pale, blond children.
Many of them wantedpictured with my kids they didn’t really ask, they just grabbed a kid.
“Can I have a picture with this one?”I guess you're gonna.
And when they where done with the picture they would rub my blond kid's head.
Because you know, they are my kids but they're also lucky objects.
And after this happened a coupleof times I was like, “Hey!” We should charge, right? China was fascinating and exhausting.
I brought my kids to the Great Wall we saw the terracotta warriors, we walked through the forbidden city, we rode in a rickshaw.
And when we where leavingI asked my 5 year old, I said, “what was yourfavorite part of China?” And he said, “I liked that time wesaw the truck with the pigs on it.
” Because at one point we where stuck in traffic and this truck pulled up and it had pigs in cages, and that was his favorite part.
After the 15 hour flight.
And I remember whenthat truck pulled up because I remember looking at thosepigs and feeling sorry for them but those pigs looked happy.
It was almost like the pigs where lookingat me and my 5 screaming kids going “Well, at least we're not that slob.
” I do enjoy traveling to other countries seeing how different, but essential how similar we all are.
Like the UK is not that different from the US.
You know, if anything you go over there and it seems like British people aretrying to be different from Americans.
They are like, “Oh you drive onthe right side of the road then? Then we're gonna drive onthe left side of the road.
Oh, you call your mother mom? Then we're gonna call ours mum.
Oh, you call that a cookie? Then we're not going to the dentist.
” I know that's cheap.
I did notice somethingwhen I was over there British people they don’tsay “the” before “Hospital” you ever notice that? They are like, “Hospital? “I was feeling not good so I went to hospital.
” Whenever they would dothat I would say stop that that's wrong and weird.
Are you trying to soundlike a polite caveman? And I had a friend fromLondon, he was like “What makes you thinkyou're doing it properly?” And I go, because I am American and we invented the English language.
It was a pet peeve of mine, so I did some research.
You know why British peopledon’t say “the” before hospital? Because they're dicks.
I know that soundsharsh, but admit it British people always talk to Americans like we just walked into their jewelrystore with 2 full bags of garbage.
“Ugh, may I help you? Are you lost? EEWWWAAA!” Obviously I love the Brits and I would never do those jokes there.
I've been lucky enough to performin the UK a couple of times and one time I was walkingthrough Piccadilly Circus which for the record, is a horrible circus.
There’s no animals.
I was walking through PiccadillyCircus and I saw they had an M&M store, and I looked at that M&M storeand it just made me think of all the things the Britishhave given the Americans.
Like our language, Shakespeare, the Magna Carta and I looked at the M&M store and I thought now we're even.
When I looked at the M&M store, I wasn’t even embarrassed to be an American I was ashamed to be human.
Because has anyone at anypoint in their life thought when are they going to open an M&M store? Sure, I can buy M&M's absolutely anywhere.
But I like to buy in bulk, in a pro-M&M environment.
Obviously, we don’t need an M&M store we don’t even need different colored M&M's they all taste the same.
They're just bits of chocolate shaped like Advil.
With a M on it.
There're noteven M&M's they’re M's!.