[dramatic trailer voicereading titles] [blade clinks] [cocks weapon] [pleasurable giggle] [roars] [growls] Bless you to hell! [roars] [evil, squeaky laughter] That was the latest trailerfor Killcore introducing league play, all in prepfor the blood match, where one teamis gonna take home $1 million, so you better believe every eSports team out thereis gunning for Killcore players, including the legendaryLucid Nightmare.
I'm here with their coach, SteaminSemen.
I'd actually prefer”Steamin.
” That was–I came up with that namewhen I was 15 years old.
Oh, I'm sorry, man.
Also, I need to correct youon something.
Lucid Nightmareisn't looking for players.
We're looking for gamers.
Gaming is work.
Work isn't fun.
-Games are fun.
When you play them.
Because when they stopbeing fun, you can quit.
-You can't quit gaming.
But we could fire youif we catch you playing.
Listen, tomorrow'spro-gaming champion isn't sitting on a sofaright now with his junk in one handand his controller in the other.
If that stereotype still exists, I don't know what hehopes to achieve.
[medieval pipe music soundtrack] [keys jingle, lock clicks] -Hey.
What'd you do all day? Uh, different stuff.
What kind of errands? -Post office.
-Post office? -Yeah.
went to the post office? -Yeah.
-For mail? No, for ice.
Yes, for mail.
I usually just usethe mailbox.
Are you writing a bookabout my day? Did you spend itplaying video games? -Yes!-Good! Don't be ashamed! Because I saw something that's gonnatake your balls, blow 'em out of your ass into a box of more balls.
What do you think when Isay the word “essports”? I think the TV was in a bar, the volume was muted, and you're tryingto say “eSports.
” Yeah, I am.
There's this game, uh, Kill-something.
-You know it? I pieced it together.
Dude, Ryland, they havetournaments, man, like, you can wina million dollars.
They made a jobout of doing the thing that not having a jobused to look like! It's probably a MOBA.
It goes withoutfucking saying, man.
What's a MOBA? It's five guys pressingfour keys in a pattern against another five guyspressing the same four keysin another pattern.
This is something different.
This is one guy.
-slowly dying inside.
-Dude, you really know your shit.
I'm gonna Google this, but I'm gonna need -110% from you.
-Of what? That's what I'm Googling!You in or you out, Ryland? Oh, I'm in, buddy.
I'm doin' this.
I support you.
-I believe you.
[electropop plays] [e-brake grinds] Here's my first draft pick.
Check out his ganks.
Check out his ganks?We're checking ganks now? We're recruiting gamers.
That's what we do, we check ganks.
-How did you even find this person?-I gave his IP address to a friend of mineat the cable company.
-You stalked a man.
He's a young boy, and we stalked him, as partners.
[doorbell rings] Hi, you must beKamal's sister? Because don'ttell me– Okay, look, Kamal isgrounded from his computer.
He is not allowedon a computer.
I have dismantled his computeruntil 2020 AD, okay? -Okay, bye.
-Wait! Ma'am, I appreciate that, but have you considered the fact that Kamalis no ordinary child? You think it's my faulthow he is? You thinkJeffrey Dahmer's mother said, “Jeffrey, why don't youstop eating that cookieand eat a person”? You get who you get.
Are you guys withthe small penis people? -What?-The micropenis support group.
Now, I told your guy, that what do you call him, the moderator, Kamalis sorry for hacking you.
It won't happen againbecause he hasno computer.
Good enough, okay? Good enough.
Ma'am, no onewith a micropenis wants to see thisgo to court.
Please, if we couldjust talk to Kamal.
I mean, I have to, but you? I wish it were up to me, but this came from the top.
The micropenis president.
Kamal![speaking Hindi] [teacher] Mrs.
Pasala, Kamal's not a bully exactly.
It's more like he tricks his classmates into bullying themselves.
-[chitters]-[gunshot] [sighs] I'm sorryyou have tiny penises.
-Good enough for me.
If I wanted to hearan apology for my penis, I'd listen to myselfin my group, a group that you violatedwith– [coughing] I'm sorry, Mrs.
Pasala, I'm suffering from what's knownas penis shame throat.
-I'll get you some water.
-Okay, thank you so much.
Kid, we lied to your mom.
We have average-sized penises and we're startinga Killcore team.
You down? I want a computerwith a GTX-1080 and five hundo a week.
And you have to saythe whole word, “hundred.
” -Yeah, right.
-450, and I talk how I wanna talk, bitch.
Four hundo fiftyand I co-opt the word “hundo, ” sapping itof any appeal.
Whose moneyare we paying him? Yours, dick.
-We'll get sponsors.
-You're a dick.
-You're a good one.
-That's what your mom said.
-Well, you're stupid for believing her.
My mom overpraises.
Her complimentsmean nothing.
450, deal? Deal.
Look for a messagefrom Alextrifying, two words, Alexand -trifying, at Hotmail– Male– male pride.
To male pride.
Ahh! Thank you, Mrs.
Pasala, and thank you, Kamal, for that lovely apology.
I feel as though our heartsand penises grew three sizes today.
Okay, no more penis talkin my house.
Go! Get out now! Go!I'm done with you people.
Did you just say tennis? Yeah, they like it.
[continues grunting] Hey! You BallBang96on Killcore? [powerful grunt, ball smacks] You're gonna be off that leg for a while.
So try to relax.
Enjoy some downtime.
-Are you stalking me?-Essentially.
But we did find outwho you are because the guy we thoughtwas BallBang96 definitely turned outto be stalking you.
500 yards, Herman! You're really goodat Killcore.
Best tank top in the state.
-What'd I say? What do you want? We're recruitingfor a Killcore tournament.
Oh, boys, boys, stop.
I learned how to play that gamewhile my knee healed.
I'm glad to knowI'm good at it, but I'm an actual athlete.
I'm gonna goto the Olympics.
[powerful grunt] Maybe not these next Olympics, but.
-What category?-Women's singles.
Is the medal for that onesmaller than the one for men'ssingles, or just less gold? -Excuse me?-You didn't quit playing Killcore when your knee healed.
We found you here becauseyou've been playing here.
When I'm waitingfor a court to open up.
Every chance you get.
Because you got ataste of something from Killcore that “real” sportscan't give you.
-An accurate measurement of your talent and discipline.
A chance to go on a completelylevel playing field, no categories, no asterisks.
I'm just saying, you could do thisand play with us.
You have a cardor something? I have my number on a pieceof French fry bag.
I'll think about it.
Dude, thatwas incredible.
You totally gotinside her head.
Yeah, well, jocks are intothat whole winning thing.
Triple kill! Dominating! Megakill.
Wicked sick! Holy shit! Beyond godlike.
Yes! Holy crap, Ryland, when did you get so good? I forgot I used to play DotA before the whole MOBA craze.
I guess some thingsnever really change.
-This is the third time he's killed the corein under 15 minutes.
No, he's not just okay.
He's the best I've ever seen, and I'veplayed with everybody.
Lucid Nightmare, Math Pain, Spine Deep, Dog Cock.
All the greats.
So you'll joinour happy few? No.
Real teams pay.
You can't afford me.
Cool, uh, so we'llput you on the maybe list.
[door closes] Guys, I'm totallygonna get us a sponsor.
-It is happening.
If you really had money, why are you dressedlike a French hobo? And why's your carpetall crunchy? Do you guys really caremore about moneythan you do this team? We're good.
We have a shot.
At a million dollars, which is called money, which you guyscare about.
More than the teamwhich doesn't exist because you have no money.
Guys, winning a million dollarsisn't about money.
It's about freedomfrom money.
If you had a million dollars, you could drop out of school.
And if you hada million dollars, you could buy a jar of name-brand peanut butterand throw it off a bridge and then buy another jarof peanut butter, and you better believeyou could throw that shitoff a bridge, too.
It's good to have dreams.
[knocking] I'm just saying money'sa state of mind.
It's not a real thing.
It has no bearingon the material world.
Hey, you guys are evicted! Hi, Lorenzo, can youhold on for one second? Oh, I've been hanging onfor, like, six months, and now you guysare blowing fuses, you got strange-looking peoplecoming in and out.
I mean, strangers.
I did not vote for.
What is all this? Oh, we're startinga Killcore team.
It's an eSport, like, uh– -Video game.
-Ah, must be nice.
Broke, you're unemployed, you're six monthsbehind in rent.
Yeah! Let's playvideo games.
You don't think I wantto play video games? Sounds great, but I have work to do! And I have impulse control, and therefore I have money.
Lorenzo, I didn't knowyou liked video games.
-What?-What's your game? Oh, don't changethe subject.
Gauntlet, if I had to pick.
This is basically Gauntlet.
It is? I mean.
So? Wait, which guy am I? You're that guy.
That guy's dying.
It is?I'm supposed to die? Yeah.
Goddamn, Lorenzo, it's scaryhow good you are at this.
Seriously?'Cause I feel like I'm just hitting buttonsrandomly.
I'm just gonna come outand say it: Please be on our team.
Oh, right, yeah.
So I come here to evict you and it just happensto turn out I have a magic video game talent and you want meon your team? Son, I've set you up for life.
Please don't fuck that up.
[laughing] Yes! This is the greatest momentin my entire life! I'm like the King of Kong! [female vocalistsings buzzy pop] [kisses] Yes! “eSports People”? I registered the nightof the deadline.
Names are hard.
I couldn't think of one.
Well, you could think of one.
It was eSports People.
[Ryland]It's a charity event.
It's not that important.
The name's not a big deal.
“Not A Big Deal” wouldactually be a good name.
Better than eSports People.
Other better names would'vebeen “The Bad Names, ” or “The Badly Named Namers, ” or “ISIS.
” I think you guysare just nervous about our first big event, but you shouldn't bebecause you're every bit the video game playerthat I am.
You just needmore confidence, and that goesdouble for you, Sam.
It goes double for me? I don't see your raceor your vagina.
I get it, Millennial rules.
I smelt it, I dealt it.
I'm just addressingthe elephant, which is– Thank youfor the reassurance, but I really thinkwe should stop talking about who earned their spot.
There's more than one wayof earning the spot, so don't screw this up.
You mean like whatyou're doing right now? Hey, you are bothfireworks.
-[Kamal yelling]-You wanna get some truth?-Stop yelling! -Jesus Christ, Ryland.
-[Ryland] It's a charity event.
Everyone is yelling! -[honking]-[thump] I'm sure that animalwas a dick.
Well, it'sa possum, right? Aren't they famousfor playing dead? Yeah, but I don't thinkthey use special effects.
Stop, you'rescaring it.
[raspy breathing] [crack] Oh, sh– Life is a highway.
-It's not funny!-Is there something you want to say, Kamal? -If I don't, will she kill me?-He was in pain.
I see peacein what you did, Sam.
I see a reason not to sharemy pain with her.
Then it diedfor a good cause.
All right, look, this little scrapper sacrificed himselfon the altar of my tire -to send a message.
-Speed limit 45? Be a team! Fate didn't bringus together to be lovers, or friends, or strangersthat can stand each other.
He brought us togetherto play a MOBA.
Such a dumb word.
Now, we are who we are, but we will get back on that van an eSports teamwith a name that we will beat laterin a brainstorming session– -We're late.
-And very inspired, Alex.
He came out of nowhere.
I'm Naomi, and welcometo Anaheim Cares, where we're reportingfrom between twogender-normative bathrooms.
And I'm Terry Crews.
And I'm so excited to be here I don't care whatI have to smell! [Lorenzo] So, whatis this charity? Is it giving kidswho like gamesnew wheelchairs, or kids in wheelchairsnew games? It's giving usa chance to be great.
Excuse me, sweetie.
Oh, my God, you knowmy real name.
Oh, I'm sorry, did I trigger you?Forgive me.
I'm about to giveyou a millionfree clicks.
Bringyour camera guy.
[Lorenzo] What arereal athletes doing here? That's Lucid Nightmare.
When do we getto play them? We don't getto play them, Old Bones.
Only the crippled kids do.
[tire squeaks] Hey, I'm so gladyou could join us.
You mind if we doa quick segment? Wait, why? Three, two, one.
Hey, guys, this is Ash Donovanhere at Anaheim Cares, and I'm joinedby Steamin, who'd like to givesome hot tips to a very special competitornew to the Killcore scene.
What are you doing here? Come on, that's no wayto greet an old friend.
-Bring it in, buddy.
No, we're not friends.
I thought that you were deador in rehab or something.
How you been?Oh, my God.
Are you hereto play? That's amazing.
Still playingat our age.
I mean, these puppiesare done for.
I can't play anymore.
-I have to go.
-Wait, wait, wait.
This is important.
This is inspiring.
It's great to see youback on the horse, buddy.
You knowwho this is, right? No.
This is BoogerBoss.
Oh, my God, how did I not– -The legendary BoogerBoss.
see that? Wow! Look up his stats!B-O-O-G-E-R-B-O-S-S.
-Don't look it up.
-One word! -[young Ryland] Goddamn it, Mom! -Oh, oh, yeah.
You changed my DotA password? Do you know who I am? DotA's my life! [laughter] No! No! [mom] Not until you do the litter.
You do the litter! I'm BoogerBoss! DotA's my life! Why?! Why?! [screaming] Oh, my God! Goddamn.
If you don't getyour ass back in there, you guys are, like, double evicted.
So now we all haveto give up becauseof that video? Yeah, did you think we thoughtyou were cool before? [Alex] That's whyyou didn't tell meyou were amazing at this.
Who said I wasamazing at this? I didn't.
It's not likeI was trying to be.
Who would do thatwhen I could be at a park throwinga ball aroundor touching a boob? None of this mattersto me, man.
The only reason I did this is because you wantedto win a million dollars.
Everything I've done, I've done for you.
Oh, thank you!It's so hard sleeping on my couch and owing methousands of dollars in rent! I could bea literal French hoboand I'd be fine! You're the one who caresabout shit like moneyand winning, not me! Fine, I careabout those things, and worse, I careabout fucking MOBAs!That's sad, isn't it? I care about them so muchit makes me fucking hate myself! I can yell, too!”Hi, my name is Ryland, and these aremy two forms of expression.
'Oh, I'm fake chill because I don't want to admitthat I want to win, ' or 'I'm a little fucking babydoing a tantrum because I fucking–'” Oh! Oh, my God! -Are you okay?-[gasps] It hurts.
Oh, are you okay, man? Let's go getthis looked at.
And then beers? And all the beers, buddy, forever.
Okay, nothingis worth this.
Everybody go home.
This is all done.
Sorry we stalked youand stuff.
But you're our ride.
Look, man, I just wantto say I'm sorry.
I would never do thatto anyone, especially you.
I used to play DotA back in the day, and you were a legend.
Just please takemy apology.
Wait, you guysdon't see a problem herethat solves itself? Get your camera guy.
Hey, wait, is your hand better? If one more person tells meto get my fucking camera guy.
Can I call you Mr.
Semen? We got mostof the internet watching thanks to that videoyou shared about my buddy.
Oh, I-I didn't share it.
I hate that peoplekeep mocking him.
He was a hellof a player.
Anyway, we thought, “Why waste thisglobal audience? Why not make this workfor the charity?” Ash hada really great idea.
Totally, yeah!Well, if you wanna watch DotA legend SteaminSemenface off against BoogerBoss in Killcore, go ahead, use the hashtag esportspeople and donateto Anaheim Cares.
Uh, Ash, that'sa really nice idea, but we've already raisedthousands of dollars for the littlewheelchair kids.
Did you think that there wastoo much money that we could raisefor charity today? Of course not, but, you know, I don't play anymore.
I bow to BoogerBoss.
He's the best.
Oh, so my team'sbetter than your team.
So, we're a lockfor Bloodmatch.
We'll see you there.
Sorry, wheelchair kids, no money for you.
Okay, knock it off.
My team is very happy to show you who the best is.
For the wheelchair kids.
[cheering] Hashtag esportspeople.
[amazed cheers rise] Oh ho ho ho! In a surprising turnof events, eSports Peopleis now neck and neck with Lucid Nightmare! Goddamn it! All right, first one to killSlenderman's Void Sloth gets a bathroom breakat next week's practice.
I think that that's Steaminfrom Lucid Nightmare exploiting a disabilityin front of a dozen, maybe a half-dozenwheelchair kids.
-[slash]-[howl] I'm sorry, guys.
What are you doing? Come on, man.
Go, go, go.
Come on, what is that shit? No! Ash, you are a phenomenal player, but we may have more use for you on camera.
What a crowd we've got heretoday, you guys! Hey, guys, thisis Ash Donovan.
All of the major teams.
are recruiting Killcore players.
[cheering] Double murder.
Oh, come on, what is this? If we're the blue teamthis time, we're doing really well! What do I always say?ABH.
Always Be Healing.
Use your alt.
Use your alt.
How many times I gotta tell you, Larry, use your alt! 4 v.
5, look alive.
5, look alive.
[echoing] [all groaning] Sorry, folks, don't startlooting the place yet.
This is just a tinytechnical hiccup.
We're not saying a kidin a wheelchair rolled overan extension cord, but we're not not saying that.
I gotta goto the bathroom.
Sucks about the power, but that was amazing.
I mean, what a show! Kind of told my guysto drag it out, keep it interesting, for the kids.
But gotta say, man, you still got it! “This is my life!” Love it.
-[Steamin] Get rid of her.
Um, mm, you're fired.
Are you serious? Do I look like Kevin Hart? Do I look like international comedy box-office drawKevin Hart? If I answer right, can I keep my job? I loved that job.
I went to Koreafour times a year.
And I got myself firedright before they started an eSports arena in Fiji.
And for what? So that I could liveone moment in some dreamwhere eSports wasn't dominated by a bunchof elitist assholes? eSports Peopleis trending.
[scoffs] Well, the good news isthe league's not gonna be able to ignore you guys nowwithout looking like the elitist pricksthat they are! I'm gettinga real anti-elitist vibeoff of you.
What'd you give me? Vicodin.
Hey, you should replaceme on our team.
You're better than I am, and we got you fired.
I'm not gonna beon the only teamwith two girls.
Yeah, well, I'm not gonna beon the only team with you, -you elitist little shitbag.
-She stays or I go.
When women stop competingwith each other and start competing with each other, great things happen.
-What?-All right, but I'm keeping my computer.
[Alex] Then you're stayingon the team.
Hey, can I still keepsome of our winnings for starting itand loving everyone? Yeah, it's calledbeing a coach, Alex.
Me? You're the only one into this band.
You're the only regular at this bar.
Be a team![echoing] This is one, this is one!Oh, oh, oh, yeah! Guys, this is going to bethe greatest eSports storyever told, and not just becausestories about eSports are inherently inaccessibleand unappealing.
For Vicodin! [all, weakly] Yay.
Hey, did anyone figure outwhat Anaheim Cares about? Not you.
Congratulationson your new home.
Are we good? I, uh, gottaget back to the office.
Cox, we're all set.
But we're notall good.
I know what you do.
Whoa, wait, uh.
I just make video games? [laughs] Video game.
Just made the one.
One was enough.
My son does nothingbut play your game all day, every day.
Maybe he just enjoys it.
He used to enjoy mathand physics and space.
My boy would've taken usto Mars, motherfucker! -He can still do that.
-I did this for the commission.
I think you'redogshit, sir.
[Italian accent]It's a good-a show!.