[man and woman moaning] – [moaning] [dog whimpers][grunting] – [laughs]- Oh.
Oh, no! Oh! Oh! Oh! – I really worked up an appetitemurdering those bull’s-eyes.
– Oh, not again.
– Trump just says what he feels.
You know what I’m talking about?- Yeah, totally.
– Oh, hey, guys.
– Surprised to see youon the couch, Jeff.
Not! – [laughs]- Cool.
Hey, aren’t you guyssupposed to be on a date? – We just were.
We went to the range.
Donnie made me shoot his gun.
At first, I was scared, but then I was gratefulhe forced me to do it.
– All right, well, I’m late formy night watch shift, so, uh.
– Call me after your wifegoes to sleep.
[horn honks “Dixie”] [engine revving]Ooh, come to Mommy.
– Does Donnie still not knowyou smoke weed? – Of course he doesn’t.
I can’t implicate Donnie.
He’s an officer of the law.
– No, he’s not.
He runsa volunteer neighborhood watch.
– You’re just a perma-hater ’cause you haven’t gotten laidsince high school.
Just let me put you on OkCupid.
– No, I hate that it’s the onlyway people meet nowadays.
You know, I was bornin the wrong decade.
– Born in the wrong decade.
– Well, I was.
– I hate when you say that.
– You know what? Let me–let me– Um, I’ll open my mail, and I got to close my– [woman moaning] – Jeff! This is the third time.
This is the third computeryou’ve broken.
What is wrong with you? – Hey, I’m sorry!- It’s disgusting.
– It’s not my fault everything’sshitty and made in sweatshops nowadays and breaksif a drop of jizz hits it.
– Aim, Jeff, or do it awayfrom my computer.
– I can’t get offwithout HD porn, Sharee.
It’s the only good thingabout 2016.
– And I’m not alone in that, you know.
[jars rattle] – Did you eat my buffalochicken bites? – No.
– Well, now you owe me fuckingchicken bites, you bitch.
I’ll go to Wawaand buy you new bites right now.
– Yeah, we will.
both: But I’m too high to drive.
– [sighs] [bicycle bell dings] [dramatic music] [whooshing] – Watch out!- Hey! – Holy shit!- Holy shit! Oh, my God! – Oh, my God!-Fuck! [indistinct policeradio chatter] – And then these two people— They just came out of the sky.
I mean, they fell, like, smack down on the ground.
– They landed–there was all this smoke, and they just materializedout of thin air.
– And they just appeared.
I mean, it was unbelievable.
– It was, like, extraterrestrial.
– Look, I’m gonna write down, “One white male killed, jaywalking.
” – Again, there was alsoa black woman.
– And they weren’t jaywalking.
They literally appearedout of the sky.
– Are you high?- Definitely jaywalking, yeah.
– They were jaywalking.
– We’re done.
Get out of here.
– God, okay.
– Okay, Jesus.
[siren wailing] – Whoa.
Oh, my God.
Hey, hey!- Oh, hey.
– I found a clue!- This is from the people.
– Evidence!- I said get out of here! – Jesus!- Jesus Christ.
[funky music] [dramatic music] – Looks like Chinese.
– I have an app that translates languagesin real time.
– Huh, “pencil case.
” – It was supposedto say “destiny.
” I’m gonna killthat fucking bitch.
– Dude, just tell peopleit says “destiny.
” No one’s gonna know.
– It said “destiny”in the catalog.
– You know what? Actually, why don’t youjust get it removed? – I’m just gonna tell peopleit’s “destiny.
” – Why are you being aggressive?I just gave you that idea.
– It meant something to me.
– Well– – And now it’s meaningless.
– No, it means “pencil case.
” – Okay, just look.
“Time traveling bong.
” – “Smoke once to travel.
Smoke again to return.
“You don’t think– – That this bong we foundon the street is a functioning time machine?No, Jeff.
I’m an American citizen.
I’m not an idiot.
– We got to try it.
– Sure, yeah, right.
It’s not real, so yeah, fine.
– That’s fine.
[dog whimpers] – You’re gonna feel likea real schmuck pussy if it doesn’t work, so.
– I’m not gonna feel likea schmuck pussy if this doesn’tmake us time travel.
[whooshing] [whooshing] – Oh.
– Ah! – Oh.
Wow! [both shouting] – Oh, my God! What is this? Oh, oh, what is this shit?There’s a footprint.
– I think it’s a dinosaur.
– [growling] [roars][both scream] – [roars] [both scream] – Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke! [whooshing] Ah! – Oh! [both scream] – Oh, it’s real.
– Oh, my God! – It’s real.
– Oh, God.
– Oh!- That was insane! – Oh, my God.
– I have to call Donnie.
– What? No!No, no, you can’t call Donnie.
He’s just gonna call the FBI so he can get a keyto the city or some shit.
– We should call the FBIor–or NASA or the police or– I don’t know.
We shouldn’t have this.
What are you doing? – Are you kidding?I’m going again.
Sharee, that was the coolest12 seconds of our lives.
– Sorry, Jeff.
I have a boyfriend, and I have a job.
– What, you’re not gonnatime travel because of your shiftat Hertz rent-a-car? Sharee, we have to.
Think about it.
Anything would be betterthan the twenty-teens.
We could go anywhere!We could see.
King Tut, you know? – I don’t care!- We could have so much fun, Sharee, like we used to have.
– [groans]- Listen, if you don’t go, I’m gonna go, and then you’re gonna miss out, like that time you blacked outwhen you were at karaoke and Britney Spears came inand they didn’t wake you up.
– Don’t even bring that up.
That is so dick of youto bring that up! – I’m just saying, you’re gonnamiss out big-time.
Fuck! And we can comeright back, right? – Yes, we can come right back, andit’s as if no time has passed.
– Okay, okay.
Okay, I’m in.
– Yes! Yes! – I’m in, as longas we come right back.
– Maybe I’ll call Hertzrent-a-car first, just let them knowI’m not coming in tomorrow.
– You’re gonna be backbefore tomorrow.
And even if you weren’t, who cares, Sharee? It’s Hertz rent-a-car.
It’s gonna be really fun.
It’s gonna be safe.
It’s gonna be safe and chill.
– Just first let me prepare.
Let me prepare.
[breathes deeply][hair straightener sizzling] Ah.
Okay, so how does this work? Like, why’d we just goto dino times? – I saw “Jurassic World”last week.
It must have been on my mind.
– You know, like, in the folds of my brain? Maybe if we visualize wherewe want to go, we’ll go there.
– [exhales forcefully]Oh, my God.
You know where I’d love to go?Old Hollywood.
It is so glamorous.
I feel like I’d fit right in.
– Okay, old Hollywood.
both: Old Hollywood.
– Old— Old Hollywood.
[whooshing] [mystical music] [dog whines] [whooshing] – Whoa.
[dramatic music] [people murmuring]Ew.
This isn’t old Hollywood.
– Witch! Witchcraft!- No, no, no, no, no! [with foreign accent]Good–good sire, we’re from the future.
– You’re a lying witch!- Yeah! – Yes!- No, no! No, we’re not.
I can prove it.
– We’re from 2016.
[hip-hop music playing] – A trick most satanic! – Hey! Come on!- Ooh! – Jesus! That was a new phone! – That filthy witchhas a tiny cauldron.
– No!- Burly Man! – Let’s go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
– No! No! [glass shatters]both: No! – No! God, no! – Oh, God! Oh! – Burn the witch!- Oh, my G– – Hey, hey, what are you doing? What are you doing?- Stop! – Taking her away from you, handsome stranger.
– I’m his cousin.
We just came here together.
– Quiet, you crinkum-crankum, you fat witch.
– I’m not a witch.
If I’m a witch, he’s a witch.
[crowd gasps]Tell them, Jeff.
– Does she speak the truth, sir?Are you also the vicar of Satan? [ominous music] – Nope, she’s the witch, not me.
– What? – Good enough for me.
– Jeff, you Fu.
[muffled screaming] – Take her to Reverend Hale.
all: Aye! – Burly Man!- [muffled grunting] – Aye!- [muffled screaming] – I’m sorry.
– What is your name, good sir? – Jeff.
– What strange garb you wear.
From where do you hail? – Uh, Jersey?- Sir Jeff, the bailiwick of Jersey.
– Welcome to Salem, the pearl of Massachusetts.
– Wait, this is Massachusetts? – Has anyoneseen my [bleep] Pete? – Ooh.
[sighs] Oh, God.
– Is everything all right, Sir Jeff? – Ugh, no.
This wasn’tthe witch’s cauldron.
It was my pipe– my vase-pipe.
– You could bring itto the glassblower to have it fixed, Sir Jeff.
– Silence, woman! – Ooh, Jesus.
– I have an idea.
You could bring itto the glassblower to have it fixed, Sir Jeff.
– Wait, you guyshave a glassblower here? Ah, that’s dope!- “Dope”? – Oh, um, of courseyou don’t understand.
“Dope” is like “good, ” you know, “chill, ” “all chill”? It’s good.
– [muffled screaming] – And so we brought her to you.
– [muffled screaming] Jesus! – She’s lain with Satan!- Forsooth, the balls of Beelzebubhave bounced upon her chin.
– What?- Silence! If witchcraft has come to Salem, we will stamp it out.
But we must not be hysterical.
We must investigate the accusedwith scientific tests.
– Oh, thank God.
Someone reasonable with logicand–and science.
[screams]Oh, God! Ow! God! – Hmm.
– Ow, ow, ow! – She bleeds.
– Ow, my tit! – ’Tis a human quality.
We must continue the tests.
If she survives, then she is a witch.
If she dies, then she wasn’t.
– Oh, fuck! all: Aye! – [muffled] Oh, my God.
– So water goes in here, tobacco here.
You suck out of here– – This will be a quickieblow job for me.
– [laughs] Great.
Thank you so much.
Should I wait here, or should I.
– Not probably.
First I’ll have to gather some dried kindlingto start the fire.
And then I’ll have to travelto Brewster to get the coal, which could takealmost half a day.
Then I’ll have to stokethe fritter furnace.
– Okay, um— Then Thursday I have a thing.
We have a thing.
– Okay, well, then— Let me finish! – Gotcha.
– The whole thing could takealmost half a fortnight, but it will be done.
[glass shatters] – Oh.
– You know what? I’m gonna do what I have to do, which is trust you.
– You have amazing teeth.
– Two rounds of braces.
– What?- Um, metal things you put on your teethto make them straight.
Don’t worry about it.
– All right, well–Oh, could you tell me where they took my cousin, you know, that witch? – Don’t worry about her.
If I were you, I’d go to town, have some fun.
She’s in good hands.
– [screaming]- Dunk her again! – Oh, God! [screaming] [sprightly bagpipe music]Oh, God! Oh! Oh! Oh, God! Oh, God![laughter] [laughter] – Oh!- Scat, ye devils! Leave the witch alone! – [screaming] Girls, help.
Please help me.
– Hi, witch.
– Gonna help me? Gonna help me out? Come on.
– As a matter of fact, we werehoping you could help us.
– Huh? – We have our hearts seton some of the men in town.
– And we are hoping you couldput a spell on them so they would love us.
– And also fix my back.
– But if you can only do onething, definitely the men one.
– God, I’m not a witch!If I was, don’t you think I’d fucking fly outof your shitty town? Also, why would you want to bewith these guys? They’re disgusting.
They fucking stink– their breath.
God, when do you get toothpaste? – So you can’t fix my back? – What are you girlsdoing near the fat witch? – Um, we’re beating her, sir.
– Good! Put your back into it, ladies.
– Please, no.
Come on, dude.
– Sorry, witch.
– Sorry, witch.
[wolf howls]- Dee, diddle-diddle-diddle.
Oh-ho, there she is!Whoo! Sharee! Sharee, it’s me, Jeff.
How are you, bae? Oh, gosh! God, I’m glad to see you.
Dude, we did it.
We time traveled.
We’re in the 1400s.
– It’s 1691, Sir Jeff!- Elias! [laughs] – Sir Jeff!- [moans] – God, the people hereare so friendly.
Am I right? Look at this.
They gave methis cravat and this vest.
– [moans]- I look good, right? I got a confession, Sharee.
I love it here.
Right? – [moans]- Yes, high five.
[sighs]I’m so glad we did this.
You know what? Thank youfor doing this with me.
I’m glad we’re finally havingfun again together, you know? Oh, and, dude, the food–Have you had any of this turkey? Do you want some of this?Oh! Oh, Jesus, Sharee! Dude, I didn’t knowit was this bad.
I’m so sorry.
We’re gonnaget out of here, okay? There’s a glassblower, andI’m gonna get the bong fixed.
I think he’s gonna doan amazing job.
Oh, Sharee, you’re really bleeding.
You know I get faintif I see bloo– – [panting][groans] [dramatic music] [bell tolls][bell ringing] – Witness the trialof a filthy witch! Witness the trialof a filthy witch! – Witch trial? Sharee– Fuck! – Witness the trialof a filthy witch! Witness the trialof a filthy witch! – Shit.
[crowd murmuring]- You know, it really feels like you’ve madeyour decision already.
[gavel pounding] – Order! The smelly wenchhas survived many of our tests, which only a witchcould survive.
But we have decided we wantto hear witness testimony.
Who here has been afflicted?[crowd murmurs] Ah! Line up! – Oh, fuck you.
– Nice and neat.
– Fuck you.
– I want to see a clean line.
– Fuck you.
[dramatic music] – I need my— Sir Jeff.
I think you’ll bevery happy with me.
– Oh, yes, thank you.
[goat bleats]What the fuck is that? – Why, it’s your vase-pipe, Sir Jeff.
– Looks like shit.
This looks like shit!What did you do? Oh, God! You–fuck you![spits] – Oh! [goat bleats]- When erect, my eavesdropper once scoredthe length of two barleycorn.
Now ’tis but five poppy seeds, all lined up.
– I blame the witch.
– This is not about me.
– Thank you for your testimony, Ezekiel.
You are dismissed.
I would liketo call our final witness.
Sir Jeff, the bailiwickof Jersey! [crowd cheering] – Thanks.
[crowd cheering] – We just wanted to say.
– I’m sorry.
– That having you herehas been so tight.
As such, we have namedour main roadway Jeff Street.
[crowd cheering] I have made my decision.
I hereby find– – Don’t I–don’t I evenget the chance to defend myself? – Of course not.
– Hold on, guys.
Wait, wait, wait.
I think she should at least beable to defend herself, right? – Okay.
[gavel banging] I have an idea.
I think she should be at leastable to defend herself, right? – Okay.
I’d like to reada statement that I’ve written.
[crowd gasps] – A woman who can readand write! There’s the proof.
Burn the witch! – No, no, no, wait!Wait! Stop! Sharee! [crowd clamoring][dramatic music] – [hissing] [muffled screaming] – I put to death this witch.
May this be a message to Satan.
We reject ye! [crowd cheers] – Wait, wait, wait.
I was the first afflicted.
I want to set the witch aflame.
– Okay, cool.
– Yeah, cool.
– [muffled screaming]- Uh.
[clears throat]Here goes the witch.
[whooshing] [all screaming] – Witchcraft is real!Burn all the women! [women screaming] – Keep one for birthing! [women screaming] [whooshing][both grunting] – Oh, God!- Ow! I saved you! – You almost got me killed, you asshole.
– I found your phone.
– I forgive you.
Where are we? [bird screeches] We’re–we’re not home.
This is not home.
Fuck! That glassblower must havemessed up the bong when he blew it.
This is not my fault.
– It is your fault.
You said we’d smoke right back.
So now what, the structural integrity of the bong has changed, so we can’t get home and we have no abilityto control where we go, forcing us to bounce around the space-time continuumindefinitely? – I don’t know.
[ground rustling] [both gasp][both grunting] – Holy shit.
– Smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke.
– Okay, okay.
Fuck, it’s cashed.
– Didn’t you bring more weed? – No, I thoughtwe’d be right back.
[both grunting] – Lie down.
Pretend you’re dead.
[both grunting] – [hooting] – [grunting] [both sniffing][dramatic music] – Oh! Oh! Oh! I’m peeing! – Me too![rapid percussive music] – Jesus, no.
Oh, my God.
We’re dead meat.
– Oh, shit, they’re horny.
– How do you know? – Their boners.
[chuckles] – [groans] Okay, okay.
Sharee, what’s happening? – I don’t know.
Just go with it.
– [moans] Okay, hi, ladies.
Okay, shh, shh, shh.
– Yeah, right there.
– Oh, oh, ow.
Oh, no, my cravat!That’s okay.
You can keep it.
– Let’s go down.
– [moans] – Oh, oh, God.
– Sharee, what’s happening? – Okay, shush.
Shush, shush, shush.
– Yeah, but no teeth.
No teeth! – It’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.
– [moans] Oh, gosh.
– [sniffs] Ooh.
– Jesus, that knuckle’s huge!- Whoo, that is piping hot.
– Ah! Oh!- [moaning] – Ow, ow.
– [moaning crescendos] [bird caws] – Oh, Sharee.
Sharee, put your shirt on.
We’ve got to find somethingto smoke and get out of here.
– What are you talking about? It’s horrible here.
– It’s amazing here.
I had–I had my first orgasmlast night.
– What? – I’d never had one.
I didn’t know what it felt like.
Donnie never asked.
He said he didn’t needmy life story.
– Look, I’m reallyhappy for you.
That’s great, but I can’t stay here.
Last night started outkind of nice, but then it got really rough.
These women almost suckedmy dick off, okay? They were hungry for it.
– They were jammingtheir pussies into my mouth.
– And fingering my assholeso hard.
– All right!- My penis is raw and blistered.
It looks likea hamburger hot dog.
– Okay, I don’t need to hearabout your dick skin.
Also, what the fuckis a hamburger hot dog? – It’s a hot dog madeof hamburger meat.
– Where the fuck is that sold? – Wawa.
– I’ve never seen it.
– Please, Sharee, I can’t stay here, okay? “No” doesn’t mean “no” here.
It doesn’t mean anything.
Can you imaginehow terrifying it is to be in a sexual situation where at any momentyou could be overpowered? As I’m saying it, I realize–yeah.
– I can picture that, Jeff.
I can–I can picture that.
Right? – Sorry, yes.
– Okay, all right, give me a few weeks, and we’ll revisit the issue.
– Is this because of the 1600s? Are you still mad?I thought you were over that.
– I was stabbed in the tityesterday.
I was dunked.
I was pressed by rocks.
I almost died.
You get one shitty blowjob, and you gotta go! No, no, no, fuck you, all right? We don’t even have weed anyway.
We’ll–we’ll figure it out.
Just go jerk offin a cave or something.
It’ll feel just like home.
– I can’t jerk off here, Sharee.
This is their porn.
– Porn? You don’t need porn here.
These people are professionals.
– They’re not human, Sharee!- [deep moan] – ugh, she sounds horny.
I’ve gotta hide.
I’m gonna find weed.
– [grunting] [sniffing] [grunts] – [chuckles] She’s thirsty.
[percussive music] [all grunting, sniffing] [flatulence] [laughter] – [screams] [cavemen grunting] – [moaning] Forgetit.
– [grunts] [animal roars] [yells] – Yes!- [snoring] – Sharee! Sharee?- [growls] – Holy shit!- [grunting] – What the–[both grunting] – [purring] – [grunting]- [purrs] – What the fuck?- “Tayeena ween.
” “Tayeena ween!” – Wait, are you doing “Nell”?- You got me, Jeff.
– Okay, whatever.
Look, I found paleo nugs.
– Yeah, there’s a bunchover there too.
– Cool, Sharee.
All right, look, you’ve hadyour weird, shitty fun.
Now let’s getthe fuck out of here.
– No! No, wait, Jeff!No, no, I love it here.
The raw meat mademy period come back.
I’ve had two rocksolid ones already.
– It’s been a week.
– I don’t need Klonopinto sleep here.
I don’t need Accutane.
Look at, my backne’s gone! – Oh, Jesus, you’re coveredin scratches, Sharee.
– I know.
– [sniffs]- Ugh.
– I don’t want to leave, Jeff.
Every guy I’ve ever been withwants me to shave my pubes off.
The guys here love my body hair.
I don’t have to shave or wax.
There’s no need to Veet or Nair, which means no Nair burns, no threading, no plucking, no bleaching.
– [yells] [grunting]- fuck, one of them found me.
Come on, we’ve gotto go right now.
– I don’t have to electrolysis, Jeff.
No need to no!no! – Come on, she’s getting closer.
We gotta go, come on! – No sugaring, no lasering!- Please, Sharee! – Oh, fine.
– Come on, Sharee, we don’t have much time.
– Ugh, do it.
[whooshing] – [grunting, panting] [yells] – Oh, Miss Paula D.
, come on, I ain’teven did nothing.
– I was thinkingabout you hotly, and now you got to be punished.
It’s your fault, dressing the way you was.
[whooshing][both groaning] – Oh, God, ow.
– [screams] Interlopers! – Ohhh.
– Oh, God, oh– Slaves? – This is slave time.
– These are slaves.
– These are slaves, yeah.
– Shoot ’em, Clyde! Shoot ’em! – Give me a second.
– Get away from her.
– We can save you.
– Get over here.
– Come on, hold onto us.
– Come on, hurry! – Come on.
– We’re gonna save you.
– Shoot ’em, shoot, ’em, shoot ’em! – It’s stuck.
– Leave the uggs.
– I think we’ve gota little time.
– Ah, here we go.
– Shoot ’em now! Shoot ’em! – Hold on tight, guys.
[whooshing, gunshot] – Oh! – Paula D.
? [all screaming][screaming continues] [all groaning] – Where are we?- I don’t know.
[upbeat ’60s music] – Whoa.
– ♪ Get out ofthe coal mine baby ♪ ♪ We got a new fadgoing around ♪ ♪ Going around, going around, going around ♪ – Oh, my God, it’s 1963.
– We did it.
We’re white saviors.
– You’re free.
– You’re free.
– What’s happened here? – Sorry, we time traveled fromslave times to free times, 1963.
– Yeah, there’s no slavery here, guys.
– It’s an awesome timefor black people.
– It’s not great actually.
– Not awesome.
– In fact, even our time is bad.
– That was too far.
– There’s, like, a lot of police– – It’s maybe better than slavetimes by a little bit.
– I’ve been writing about iton my blog, it sucks.
– You gotta take me back.
I got eight children.
That’s not countingthe mulattos and the quadroons! – I’m so sorry, but we can’t.
– I’m sorry.
– We’re stuck here.
We don’t know how the bong works.
It’s kind of broken, and you guys are gonnajust have to blend in.
– [sobs]- We ain’t got nowhere to live.
We ain’t got nowhere to work.
I don’t even know how to read.
– Ooh, you got to learn.
– Excuse me, miss.
Would you like to join the army? Get a hot meal and a gunwith your name on it.
– You mean, like, a musket?- I like your spirit.
You’ll be greaton the front lines.
Plus, we’ll give you new, snazzy fatigues.
– Hey, let’s do it.
– No, no, no, no, no.
– Hold a second.
This is a death wish.
– You don’t have to go to war.
– I mean, you could model.
– We ain’t got no money!Now this is a job.
You wanted us to be free?Well, we is gonna be free in.
– We is gonna befree in Vietnam.
– [sighs] – And I’m gonna greet every daywith a hearty, “Good morning, Vietnam!” all chanting: Vietnam! – Ohh! Vietnam! – [sighs] That’s really bad.
– But we win Vietnam, right?- I don’t think we do.
I mean, it– Oh, of course, no service.
This is getting really annoying.
– Oh, God.
all: ♪ Tweedle dee-dee-dee ♪ ♪ Tweedle dee-dee-dee, ♪ ♪ Tweedle dee-dee-dee ♪ ♪ Tweedle dee-dee-dee, ♪ ♪ Tweedle dee-dee-dee ♪ ♪ Tweedle dee-dee-dee, ♪ ♪ tweet, tweet ♪ ♪ Tweet, tweet ♪ ♪ He rocks in the treetopsall day long ♪ ♪ Hoppin’ and a-boppin’and singin’ his song ♪ – Stop it, stop it, stop it!What the hell are you doing? You and your big nosemissed your step-ball-change.
Dance like a man! All right, kids, back in the car.
Michael done fucked it upfor everybody.
Sorry about that.
Let’s go! – Thanks a lot, Michael.
– Come on, Michael! – Move your fat asses, Jackie and Rebbie! Let’s go, Tito!Hustle, Jermaine.
Come on, La Toya, with your little fat head.
Get up–move it, Michael, Marlon, and Randy! Let’s go! Pick up the pace![car door slams] Let’s go, Jacksons! Let’s go! You missed your step-ball-changewith your big nose.
– That was— Oh, my God, that– [both scream][both hyperventilating] – That was The Jackson 5.
– Wow, La Toya, Jackie, Marlon.
– Singing to me.
– Shining out hisbeautiful eyes.
– How did I not take a picture?My phone works.
At least the camera works.
– Ooh, he was scary, man.
– Yikes! Ooh! – Really living upto the stereotype.
– Just like the movie.
– Ooh, God! Wait.
Maybe that’s the reason we were sent timetraveling in the first place.
– To write The Jackson 5’s musicand get super rich, yes! – That is really hard notto do now that you said it.
But what I meantwas to save Michael’s childhood becausehe was robbed of his, yeah.
– Which is why he robbedso many children of theirs.
– We’d be saving Michaeland all of his victims.
– Maybe we’re supposed to bechanging history for the better.
– We’re not doing great so far.
We just sentthose slaves to Vietnam.
– Ugh, that was so bad.
– That was more you than me.
– That was more you than me!- That was dumb, that was bad.
– God! – You know what though?They might make it out.
You know, we haveto do this, right? We have to make up for our sins.
– We’re gonna do it.
– God, we were twoNew Jersey dildos, and now we have the chanceto make history better.
We are gonna saveMichael Jackson.
– By kidnapping him.
– Love it.
But Joe Jackson did see us.
– Well, we’re gonnaneed disguises.
– Really subtle disguises.
Ooh, good afternoon! – Can I help you?- Oh, well, we were just looking for the homeof a Mr.
– That’s me.
– Oh, is it? Well, how lucky are we? Ha ha!My name is Beverly McClellan, and this is my colleague, Simon Cowell.
We are producersof a television program called “The Bee’s Knees.
” – “Bee’s Knees.
“- Yes, “The Bee’s Knees.
” We were just wonderingif perhaps your children would perhaps like to auditionto sing and dance on our show.
– Sing and dance.
– Yes, sing and dance.
Like I said.
– How much?- Oh.
The payment would be about 60.
– 60? – Thousand!- Thousand? – What? Mm-hmm.
– Kids! Get out on the lawn now! – 60, 000?- Let’s go, Jacksons! Jackie, Rebbie, Tito, Jermaine, La Toya, let’s go! Michael, Marlon, Randy, let’s go, Jacksons! Let’s go! – Definitely Michael.
– Yeah, Michael, Michael, bring your ass on, come on! – What about Janet?- Who? – Hoo-hoo!- Not born yet.
– Ha ha, just kidding, daddy-o.
– Jacksons! Come on, let’s go!Get out there on the lawn! – Ooh.
Are you Michael?- I’m Jackie.
– Ooh, good luck.
– Hey, are you Michael? – I’m Tito.
– Who’s Michael? – I am.
Daddy![muffled shouting] [children shouting] – We got the King of Pop.
We got the King of Pop.
– Shamoa!- Top of the evening to you.
I’m Beverly McClellan.
We would like one motel room for us and our son here, Michael Jackson.
Fuck! – Language.
[gentle music]- Thank you so much.
Well, my dogsare really killing me.
Oof, these shoes, mm.
– You have such a pretty voice, Mrs.
– It’s Ms.
McClellan, but, look, we’re notwho you think we are, okay? My name is Jeff, and this is my cousin, Sharee.
– But thank you so much for saying I have a nice voice.
It is insanely flatteringcoming from you.
– I’m gonna sing for you later.
You might like my voice as well.
– Look at that skinny nose.
My dad would love your nose.
He always makes fun of mine.
– Oh, no.
– No, Michael, your nose is perfect.
Your face is beautiful.
– Just as it is right now.
Michael, we had totake you, okay? We had to make sure that you weren’t abusedand you were nurtured.
– You are so insanely talented.
Check it out.
No, no, no, no, no.
Excuse us just one second.
– What are you doing? I’m hanging outwith Michael Jackson right now.
– His music is disappearing.
No, fuck! – Language!- [sighs] We gotta take him back.
– No! No, Jeff, how can we?How can we now? Come on, we have to weighthe pros and cons here.
– Okay, fine.
– Pro, Michael seems like a healthy, happy, normal childaway from his family.
– Yeah, con, bringing him here is making his musicdisappear, Sharee.
His music brought joyto literally billions of people.
– Okay, pro.
The dozensto hundreds of children that Michael molestedwould be saved.
– Allegedly molested.
– Alleged, what are youtalking about? Google it.
– I can’t, Sharee.
Here’s a con, if we bring him back, he might still molest kids, you don’t know.
Pedophilia might bean inborn thing.
The jury’s still outon that, right? – I don’t know, Jeff.
I can’t Google it.
You just covered that.
– But the point is we havethe chance to make things right.
That sweet little boy out there, he doesn’t want to bethe Neverland Ranch guy.
– I know, he became so weird, his tattooed beard.
– The makeup, and the vitiligo.
– And the nose, the glassesand the glove.
– Elizabeth Taylorand the wheelchair.
The Blanket incident, I’m like, “What are you doing?” – He really was abusedby his father.
– But his father was abusedby the system.
– Ugh! But his music!But “Thriller”! The dance! – It doesn’t matter.
That’s a sweet boy.
– Okay, you’re right, you’re right.
You’re right, we’ve gotto do the right thing.
We are going to raiseMichael Jackson as our son.
– I’m just gonna– – Take this.
♪ – Oh, Henry was a renegade ♪ [all shouting] ♪ Never liked to play it safe ♪ – I haven’t seen thaton the big screen.
It’s gonna be all the birds.
♪ – .
at a time ♪ ♪ There’s got to bea better way ♪ ♪ Oh, people camefrom miles around ♪ ♪ Searching fora steady job ♪ ♪ Ooh It’s gonna take it ♪ ♪ but we’ll make it one day ♪ ♪ It’s gonna takea long time ♪ [ding] ♪ It’s gonna take it ♪ ♪ but we’ll make it one day ♪ all:Two, one! Happy 1964! [noisemaker honks] [warning alarm blares][doorbell chimes] – Good morning, ma’am.
Can I interest youin a hairbrush– – [screaming]♪ – Wherever we’re going ♪ – You ready?- Yeah.
Ah![groaning] – Ooh, you okay, Michael?♪ – Whatever we’re doing ♪ – Ah.
– ♪ It’s gonna take itbut we’ll make it one day ♪ ♪ However we want it ♪ – [sighs] And that’s the storyof Peter Pan.
– I want to go to Neverland.
– [sighs] – Fuck, I didn’teven think of that.
– Okay, yeah.
Thank you, good night.
I said, “Jeff.
” – Yeah, I heard you.
– You’re a good boy, Michael.
– We love you.
– I love you, too, White Mommyand Daddy.
[’60s music plays] [both sighing] – Jeff.
I can’t do this anymore.
– Oh, thank God.
[music stops] I’ve been wanting to saysomething for weeks.
This is horrendous, okay?Today I sold one hairbrush, and I got a leadfor another hair brush sale.
– Today I made $3 in tips, and I was gropedrelentlessly all day.
When do men stop groping women?When? Tell me! – The ’90s.
– I hope so.
– Maybe post-9/11.
I don’t know.
– Everybody’s red.
All the white people are red.
– Yeah, ’cause they’re inthe sun with no sunscreen.
It’s like— And then they’re– Everybody’s a fucking alcoholic.
– I tried to buy sunscreen.
It doesn’t exist yet.
When do they invent SPF? That guy’s gonna makea fucking mint.
– If I have to eat one moreJell-O mold or plate of Spam, I’m gonna fucking kill myself.
– I have a spare tiremade of mayonnaise.
And you know this shitdoesn’t work.
Thank God for the diet pills.
– I can’t wear this gabardineshit anymore! Everything is itchy.
I’ve been uncomfortablesince the first day we got here.
– Being a parent is so hard.
– Ugh! – The PTA meetings.
– Making lunches every day.
– Avoiding the cops’cause we stole a child.
– Yeah, I don’t knowwhat we were thinking.
– Yeah, we should have spentthat belt machine money on more diet pills.
– No, I’m talking aboutkidnapping Michael Jackson.
– Oh, yeah, that.
– We took a human child.
– Should we kill him? No! – Yeah, no.
– We’re not gonna kill a child.
– No, no.
– We’re not gonnakill the King of Pop.
– Yeah, yeah, no.
– Who are we to say what history should and shouldn’t be? – No us.
– I don’t trust us.
We are idiots! – When we get to a place, we should not touch anything.
– We should just look around.
We should look around and go.
It’s like we smoke, if it’s not home, we smoke out.
– But we can’t justbring him back.
– Now before we go, Michael, I want you to remember you’rebeautiful just the way you are.
– Also, publishing rights.
Buy The Beatles’ music.
It’s just a little tipfrom White Daddy.
– I hope you learnedsomething from us.
– I learned that it’s okay to take little boysfrom their homes.
– Oh, fuck.
– Language!- Okay.
– All right, bye.
[doorbell chimes] – Michael.
Oh, my God, Michael.
[dramatic music] I see you! Oh, I’m gonna get you.
– Go, smoke.
Get the bong, get the bong, go! – Nobody steals my son!I’m gonna get you! – Go, go, go, go.
[whooshing] – The fuck?[whooshing] [both groan] – God.
– Ooh, doesn’t get any easier.
– For once I wishwe’d land in a pond.
Where the fuck are we?- Holy shit! Sharee, this is it, the best time period thereis in human history.
Ancient Greece, the era of symposiums that gave birthto philosophy and literature.
Plus they have plumbing.
– And Greek salad.
– Oh, I would kill for a Greek salad.
both: Greek salad![upbeat bouzouki music] – Wow, great view.
– Yeah, it’s okay.
– I can read this.
– What?- Yeah.
I know the Greek alphabet.
– Wait, how?- From my one semester at SDT at Rutgers before I dropped out.
I’m a sorority girl, remember? – Right.
– [speaking Greek] There’s an event or something?Hold on.
[burps] There’s a reallyhot party tonight.
Free wine, beans, chestnuts, and toasted wheat! Yes! – Nice! Dude, I could so use a partyafter that child rearing.
– We earned this timeperiod, right? – Yeah, we did.
– I’m gonna do a smoky eyeand a nude lip.
What are you gonna do? – I guess I’ll put on a toga.
– Greek salad.
– Greek salad.
[exotic techno music]- ♪ Hey Hey ♪ – This party is great, huh?- Yeah.
– Except for all the kids.
– No, it’s good, you know? Greeks are way more enlightened.
Kids should mingle with adults.
We should treat themlike real people.
She literally doesn’t knowanyone else here.
♪ – Hey- [speaking Greek] – Hey ♪ [woman moaning] – Oh, it’s that kind of party.
– Well, when in Rome, right? – Wait, we’re in Rome?- No, we’re in Greece.
– Oh, yeah, I thought Greece.
I just–I got confusedwhen you said Rome.
– No, yeah, Greece.
[upbeat bouzouki music] [intense techno music] [people moaning] – Hey!- Oh, hi! How are you? – Oh! I’m great.
This is crazy, right? – I know.
Do you think it’s safe?- I don’t know.
I mean, I’m wearinga sheep’s bladder as a condom, but I mean, I hope it works.
I think people are really drawnto my teeth, because I don’t– I’m, like, doing really well.
– Yeah, everybody’s doingreally well.
It’s an orgy.
– Well, yeah.
[both laugh]Good point.
– You know what? I don’t think we’ve partiedtogether since high school.
Is that true?How can that be true? – I don’t know.
We just started hanging outwith different groups, you know? – Yeah.
– And then when Grandma died.
– We became roommates, and when you’re roommates, you never make plansto hang out.
You just complain and.
– Talking about how you leavepiss on the seat.
– Or how you never take outthe trash or do the dishes.
– Or how you ejaculateon my electronics.
– [laughs] – Repeatedly.
Well, you know what? It has been really greatseeing you blossom on this trip.
– And how about you, dude? Back at home, I feel like you were.
But here you put yourselfout there, and it pays off.
I mean, a girl is suckingyour dick right now.
– I know! It’s crazy.
This has been so fun.
– I wouldn’t have wanted totime travel with anybody else.
– Best cousins.
– Greek salad.
– Oh!- [gasps] – What is that?- Oh! – Is that a b— Did we– – Did we f– [both scream]- Oh, my god.
Did we f–[retching] – [retching] I don’t know.
I don’t think so.
I don’t think so.
Oh, God, but it’s hard to remember.
It’s such a blur.
Bodies and passion and– [gagging][both retching] – We’re cousins, Jeff.
– [retching and spitting] I know, Sharee.
– [retches] I knew I shouldn’thave come with you.
– What? – I knew this was a bad idea!- Before you time traveled, you’d never had an orgasm andyou were dating a married guy.
– I like my life.
I like my job at Hertz.
I like my shittymarried boyfriend.
You were the one tryingto escape your sad life.
Now we’re bothweird loser fuckcousins.
– Alleged!- Ew! Ew! – You didn’t seem to mind whenyour finger was in my butthole.
– That was you? – You said my buttholewas tighter than a dime and I need to loosen up.
– Stop! Oh, God! Listen.
If we ever get back to 2016, I think you should move out.
You know what? If we ever get backto 2016, I will.
In fact, I think we needsome space right now.
– Great idea.
– [giggling] – But let’s maybe get itsomewhere else.
– Yeah, there’s some seriousabuse happening here.
– Oh, it’s rough.
[dramatic music][whooshing] Oh, I forgot to geta Greek salad! [whooshing] [both grunting]It does not get any easier.
Is that a flying car? [engine whirring] – It’s the future.
– [laughs] Oh, my God.
– This must be a dump.
– Let’s get out of here.
– Another dead end.
– Maybe we should get high.
– Ooh, there’s got to besomething to smoke out of here.
– No, I mean get higher up and seeif we can see where the exit is.
– All right, come on.
– [grunts] [ominous music] Oh, my God.
Did you just fart? – No!I think you’re probably smelling thehuge pile of trash you’re on.
– It’s okay.
– [grunting] Ooh, God.
God, it is redonkulously hot.
– Oh, my God, you’re really red.
– Holy shit, so are you.
Ow!- We’re burning alive! – Ooh! Ow! Get in the shade.
Get in the shade.
– There’s no shade.
It’s just trash.
– Oh!- Oh! – Oh, God! I can smell your skin.
– Ooh, it’s sizzling.
– Oh, my God.
– Good idea.
Let’s get out of here! – Give me the bong.
Give me the bong.
– Go! – I can’t.
My fingers are too sweaty.
[gasps]Oh, my God.
[hip-hop music playing] [music stops] Oh, thank you.
– [speaking a Chinese language] – English.
– Do you speak English? – [with Chinese accent]Yes, English.
I am Dasani.
This is my friend Aquafina.
And that’s JoJo.
– Are you guys doing an accent?- Yeah, I know we just met, but that’s kind of racist.
– I’m not doing accent.
Chinese is first officiallanguage of America.
– You use accent likedrunk uncle does at holiday.
It’s very passé.
[laughs]- Me so sorry.
Ah, it is almost noon.
We must get inside.
– “Me so sorry”?- It just came out.
I don’t know.
– We are so happy to meetnew defectors ofthe evil corporation Nomsanto.
– Now that you’re out, you can finally learn the truth.
– Yeah, walk usthrough some stuff.
Pretend likewe don’t know anything.
– [blowing forcefully] Nomsanto is agriculturalbiotechnology company that rules our world.
– In 2009, CitizensUnited allowed corporations to sponsor elections.
– Nomsanto gained influenceand abolished the EnvironmentalProtections Agency.
– So Earth grew too hotfor plants to grow, and the worldwas plagued with famine.
Corporations kept merginguntil there were only two: Nomsantoand Vivid Entertainment.
– The porn company?- Yes.
– That’s awesome.
– Why did you defect? Is the resistance forming? – Actually, we’re not defectors.
– Are you spies? – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We’re not spies, okay? We’re not spies.
No, no, no, no.
– Well, who are you, then?- We’re time travelers.
– [gasps] Did you employ the principlesof the Tipler Cylinder? – Can you confirmour Schroedinger equation in QM? – Mm.
– We’ve been working on a timetraveling tool to save our world.
And we developed this.
– The bong but fixed.
– We can go home.
– It’s a time traveling bong.
– We know.
– It started as a silly idea among friendswhen we would drink gasoline.
– But then it actually turnedout to be a thing.
– Which is pretty hilarious.
– Since nothing can grow onEarth anymore, we cannot use it ’cause it’s fueledby the ancient herb marijuana.
– Oh, my God, I have weed.
– [gasps] [ethereal vocal music] – Sticky, right?- So fucking sticky.
[bird screeches] [blipping][beeping] [alarm beeping] [both speakinga Chinese language] – We should use your sweet budto time travel immediately.
– Or we could keep the seeds and synthetically replicate it.
There’s a huge market for it.
I know some guyswho could distribute.
– We don’t have to be “dealers.
” We would just sell enoughthat we smoke for free.
– No, no, no, no, or you guyscould do your original plan, which is to time travel.
– Well, we don’t knowif the bong works yet, so we might as wellget high first anyway.
– No, it does work.
We used it to get here.
– Uh, what the fuck is that?- It’s your bong.
– It looks like shit.
– Yeah, well, we broke it.
– But we used it to get here.
We got it from these future people, this black ladyand this white dude.
They’re wearing”Star Trek” stuff– [both gasp] [all groaning][dramatic music] – [groaning] – Sharee.
– Sharee! – They took the weed.
– Yeah, and Sharee.
Where did they take her? – There’s an incinerator room atthe core of the Nomsanto Center.
– Oh, my God.
I have to save her.
Sharee! – Hey, actually, I don’t knowmy way around here.
Can you guys show me how to getto the Nomsanto Center? – Oh, yeah.
– Yeah, definitely.
– All right, let’s hurry, though.
– Get my gloves.
– Guys, please, no.
What are you gonna do to me? – You were found in possessionof plant life, which is illegal.
– That is such bullshit.
Nature rules us, not the other way around.
[both laugh] [dramatic music] – We can go no further.
Our ID chipsmight sound the alarms.
You must go alone.
– I don’t know if I can dothis alone, guys.
– Here, take this.
– It is your onlyhope to escape.
But promise us, Jeff, you will come back for us.
Together we mustsave the planet.
– Uh, I mean, I’ll try, yeah.
I gue–I’ll try.
So is there, like, a secret entrance, or, like, can you override an access code? Can you hack into the system andshut down security so I can– – Nope.
– That’d be great, right? We can’t.
Just can’t do it.
– I wish.
That’d be so cool.
– But there is one wayyou can get inside undetected.
You must climb throughthe biohazard chute.
– This shit? – Through there will take youstraight to the n’energy core.
– I can’t climb up there.
There’s condomsand syringes and shit.
What if I get AIDS? – What? Oh, no, AIDShas been eradicated.
– It has? Wow, I guess that’s onegood thing about the future.
Thank you, guys.
I’ll never forget you.
– You are coming back for us, though, right? – Yeah, I’ll do my best.
Oh, this is just open.
This is the only way?No other way? Wow.
God, it stinks! Oof! – AIDS hasn’t been eradicated.
– I know.
It’s worse than ever.
But he was freaking out, so that’s life.
[scanner beeping] – Oh, God.
Please, please, please.
What are you doing? No! Oh, God! Oh, God damn it!That was just starting to heal.
[muffled screaming] – [laughs] [dramatic music] – I can’t do this.
Oh! Oh! Where am I?Oh! [spits] Okay.
[alarm blaring] Oh.
[sputtering]Oh! Oh![gasping] [whimpering] [dramatic music] – [muffled whimpering]- You are an illegal citizen, and possession of plant lifeis punishable by death.
– This is the third computeryou’ve destroyed.
– It’s not my faulteverything breaks if a drop of jizz hits it.
[echoing] Drop of jizz hits it.
– Aim, Jeff.
– [moans] Oh.
You can do it, Jeff.
[echoing] I can’t get offwithout porn.
I can’t get off without porn.
– [muffled whimpering]- Oh, please.
[exciting music] [electricity crackling] Oh! Oh![dramatic music] [alarm blaring] [woman speaking a Chineselanguage over P.
system] – Come on.
Come on, Jeff.
– [groaning]Sharee, I came without porn.
– I saw.
I literallycouldn’t look away.
– I have the bong.
– Yes!We can smoke it and go home.
– It’s going to be hardwithout this.
– No! I’m gonna kill you, bitch! [alarm continues blaring]Yes! Ow, God.
[whooshing] [whooshing] – Oh! [laughs]- Oh! Oh! – Oh, my God!- We’re home! – We’re home! Oh! We’re home!- Wait, wait.
– Did you just smoke your hair? – Yeah.
Remember in 2007 whenBritney Spears had her meltdown? She saved her head ’cause shedidn’t want to be tested for THC ’cause she wouldlose her children.
And I realized I must haveenough THC in my hair, so I smoked it, and it worked.
– That’s genius.
You are so smart.
– I am.
I’m smart now.
[gasps] Crispin! – Crispin! Hi!- Oh, Crispin! – Oh, my God! Hi!- Oh, we missed you, buddy.
– Oh, my God, there isso much I missed.
– Me too.
– Running water.
[triumphant music] Medicine.
– Toilet paper! [doorbell rings]both: Food! [laughter on TV] [both laugh][pounding at door] – Oh, God, yeah.
– Come on, let’s go.
Applebee’s happy hourends in 30 minutes.
I’m not payingfull price for shit.
Okay, we’re not dating anymore.
I’m breaking up with you.
– Cut the bullshit, fat tits.
Come on, let’s go.
– You know, I might havefucked my cousin, and it was a healthiersituation than this.
– Wait a minute.
What did you say? – [slurping] Mm, sorry.
This is the best time.
– It really is.
You know, I didn’t realize before how shitty the worldhas been for women forever.
– I really learned that I needto be the best woman that I can be.
I owe it to the womenwho’ve suffered before me.
– I learned.
how to masturbatewithout porn.
– That’s something.
– That’s huge.
– It’s something.
– That’s huge.
[sighs] I always said I was.
both: Born in the wrong decade.
– I know.
– But I was just blamingmy stupid life on that.
And the fact is, I’m reallylucky to have been born now, and I needto take advantage of it and not make excuses, you know? – Totally.
– Thank you.
– Another classic from the Kingof Pop, Michael Jackson.
both: Whoa! – One of his greatesthits from 1986.
– Our son.
– “Left Behind.
“- ♪ You took meThen you left me ♪ – You don’t thinkthat’s about us.
♪ – White mommyAnd white daddy ♪ ♪ White mommy and white daddyHee-hee ♪ – That’s about us, yeah.
– I’m definitely donewith time travel.
– Me too.
– What should we dowith the bong? – Hmm.
[somber music] [sighs] – Okay, I have to talka couple things through.
– Why aren’t theredoubles of us? – Oh.
– Also, how did the futurepeople get here in the first placeif they didn’t have weed? – Mm-hmm.
– Also, I’m like, “Why didn’t we land “where the future people landedin the street when we first saw them?”You know, aren’t there parallel, alternate timelinesthat we’re dealing with here? – Yeah, there’s a lot of theoryabout time travel, right, and I’ve been giving ita lot of thought, and I think I figured it out.
Here’s the airtight logic.
So– [door slams] [dramatic percussive music] – Action![both grunting and screaming] – Oh, my God!- Ah! ♪ – Blame it on the droBlame it on the pills ♪ ♪ Got my eyes sittin’ lowBlame it on the dope ♪ ♪ Blame it on the droBlame it on the pills ♪ ♪ Got my eyes sittin’ low ♪ ♪ You can blame it on the dro ♪.