Hey guys, welcome back thanks for joining me for another video if you are new to my channel, my name is Stephanie I'm a life and relationship coach this week.
I want to talk about codependency More specifically where it kind of stems from how do we how did we learn this? How did we become this? And I want to give you some tips at the end of the video for you to start focusing on day to day So you can start to heal your codependency Now before we get into this week's video like always if you have not subscribed don't forget to click on the subscribe button down below If you are interested in private coaching with me I always link all of that information down below as well as information on my online my 9 week online course So it's basically me coaching you online.
So you can look at all that information.
I'll leave the links down below So let's get right into this week's topic So what does codependency codependency is basically putting someone else's needs and wants and desires And thoughts and feelings ahead of your own in a nutshell.
It is the need to try to meet others expectations to give others what it is that they need so it's always an extreme focus on outside of ourselves So someone who is codependent is usually someone who tends to be an empath although not all codependent are impacts And it's basically person that is super hyper focused on What are the needs and wants and thoughts and feelings and desires of other people rather than ever? really really focusing on what's going on within themselves kind of person is usually the person that tries to save people that wants to help Every single person and they often do that at a cost to themselves So me wanting to save you Basically puts you at the forefront Always and I am on the back burner.
So I'm the last kind of think about what is best for me Should I be doing this? What do I need today? I don't really know how to take care of myself and the reason why I'm trying to cure you save you is because that actually gives me Validation and actually makes me feel filled up inside in a Lack way.
So we all know that helping others feels amazing, but when we're not filled up ourselves And we don't know how to do that ourselves or when we're not good to go and we're helping others And we're not in a space to do it or we're doing it for the wrong the wrong reasons quite frankly Then it becomes a different feeling it becomes more of I need this in order to live versus I feel amazing while I'm doing it because I'm in such a good space myself that I want to help other people So by me helping you and me me always being the dependable one and the one that you know takes on other people's problems You will then Hopefully this is what I'm thinking way deep in the back of my mind as a codependent I am hopefully thinking that you will validate me that you will love me that you will never leave me um And again that all of that gives me a sense of self It helps my self-esteem and it helps my my self-confidence my self-worth But again, it's coming from a lack place so it's never really going to make you feel like you have high self-esteem or confidence or love within yourself because you're giving these things for the wrong reasons It's very much like a narcissist a narcissist is a taker so they can take so they can then feel good inside Whereas a codependent is a giver and they give so they can feel good inside but again, both things are done for are done on unhealthy levels because both people have Extreme low self-esteem and lack within themselves that they're trying to fill internal voids versus someone who is very healthy and good to go and filled up and good in their own life and gives because You know They're so filled up that they can just give and they want to give they're in a good space to give not giving to get and not taking to get oftentimes a lot of codependent people have a real problem with shame and a real problem with not feeling worthy not feeling good enough not feeling like they Deserve happiness that they deserve love that they deserve a great relationship They deserve that job, but they want so again that low self-esteem that low confidence really plays a factor in someone who is codependent So that sense of kind of feeling needed really gives them gratitude.
So oftentimes Codependent people feel like they're responsible for other people's happiness.
–is Um, so if you're not happy, I need to make you happy because if you're not happy, then I'm not happy It's that kind of mentality They usually have an extremely hard time with saying no They have a hard time with putting their own needs ahead of someone else's they tend to be a pushover They tend to kind of go with the flow.
Um Until the point of not being able to take it anymore and then they kind of explode so they always hide their true thoughts their real feelings Because they never want to rock the boat and like I said They suppress and they suppress then all of a sudden one day to kind of just either they are going to unleash and react very irrationally all of a sudden or get very upset for No apparent reason because they've been suppressing a lot of what they're feeling which then causes resentment either within themselves or towards the other person Which really what they're doing is they're just projecting their own Unhappiness onto the other person because they're not um, you know speaking their own truth They're not saying what they think and how they feel.
Um Or they could just really suppress it forever never really unleash at all and become depressed So the need to want to save others so much where you put others always at the forefront um It hurts two people it hurts Yourself because obviously you're never actually owning what it is that you need and how you feel and being able to speak your truth So you're suppressing that part of yourself, which is gonna manifest in some way like I said Whether it's depression or sadness or frustration and anger and resentment And it also doesn't help the person that you're supposed to be saving or helping because really what you're trying to do is fix other people's problems and not let people Come to those conclusions themselves.
You're not letting people stand on their own two feet and fall or you know accept that not everyone wants help and everyone's on it Jurnee so you being able to kind of relinquish control Over everything is really something that codependent struggle with and I'll get into the control control aspect in a minute.
So now Codependency most often it is rooted in our childhood like everything else.
Mom and dad.
Thanks Whoever raised us so if you grew up in a home where emotions and feelings and being Honest was something that was not something that really happened in your day to day life that you were either ashamed for how you felt Or punished for how you felt or quite frankly Didn't get the things that you needed growing up which most oftentimes children don't really know a Child at four years old five years old seven years old is not going to be able to know Hey, I really need this from you.
Mom and dad But later on in life, they kind of realized.
Wow, that's something that I really wish my mom and dad would have done for me Sometimes a child will absolutely know depending on the age of the child what it is that they need but if they've been programmed Already from the start of their life to where they are now they may not be that in tuned with themselves to be able to really Know what it is that they need or know what they want Because they have learned to suppress that part of themselves because they have already established in their mind that either there's something wrong with themselves and that's the reason why they're not getting it or They don't know any different quite frankly So when you're a child and you're not getting what you need emotionally there and that is just repeated time and time again You are going to form a wound and you're going to form the I'm not enough really that's what it is So what I think what I feel what I need, I'm not getting there must be something wrong with me.
I'm not enough I'm not worthy and that reinforced time and time again really jeopardizes a child's self-esteem so there's two things that kind of happen that form this codependency either the child lives in a household where and again You can really kind of go with way.
You could really go into like a narcissistic Tendency with this or you can going to go into a codependent tendency with this but one or both of the parents like I said We're not giving the child what they need emotionally and if the child is expected to live up to a certain standard that They're not able to meet or exceed At whatever age maybe even consistently over the course of their childhood again That's gonna form I'm not enough that's going to enforce Low, self-esteem and low self-worth because they're never gonna feel good enough because nothing is ever good enough because you're always wanting more From me the other route that this could take in terms of how to really you know Bring codependency to forefront and have you turn out to be a codependent adult is? When the lines between the child and the adult are very blurry So what I mean by that is the child is exposed to things that they shouldn't be exposed to where oftentimes adults will come to me and say you know I always felt like I was the grown-up I always felt like I was the adult I always felt like I had to take care Of my mom and my dad I was they just had they've had so much burden put on them at such a young age and it could be a range of things, right You could have come home to an alcoholic parents where you have to learn how to cook for yourself at too early of an age Where you had to do this for yourself? because if you didn't you didn't survive so you had to learn very very early how to be an adult and Do it quickly And so you never really had a childhood in the sense that someone really took care of you now again all things balance I'm sure every parent can know that over the course of a child's life their childhood Even you know beginning teens we have to teach them how to eventually leave the nest, right? So doing little things like hey, we're gonna do a couple of chores.
We're gonna learn how to make our bed We're gonna do this, but we're not expecting every single day for you to do certain things for yourself in order for you to Survive, that's never gonna be the case.
I'm always going to be the parent I'm always going to be here to take care of you in those ways.
I'm just showing you over the course of 20 years 15 years, whatever it is.
This is how you become an adult, but I'm not four I'm not pushing you into that role at the age of nine years old so sometimes when the child is expected to care for the parent or Be the parents friend or hear things that they shouldn't hear.
They then worry They then feel stressed they done they then take on burdens.
Like I said that they shouldn't be taking on and when that happens that immediately turns a child into being in touch with themselves and what they think and what they need and having People adults honor that within them too then becoming so hyper focused on What is everyone else need because I be the adult So if you think about it, when you're an adult if you have a family if you have children if you have responsibilities There are days as much as we try to take care of ourselves and put ourselves first We can't always because then of course that would be selfish and narcissistic But there are days where other things come before our own selves and that's where balance just comes into play We have to learn how to balance our own lives Yesterday it was all about the kids and this and today I'm gonna focus on myself and get myself back where I need to be That's mental health.
That's you taking care of yourself, right? So but when you're a child and you never have that You're always forced to worry about other people and other things and have responsibilities that you shouldn't have you never get to really work that internal muscle of learning how to stay focused on yourself and what it is that you need because You don't have anyone around you honoring that It's always about what else what someone else needs now over the course of time You can see where it just becomes habitual to worry about.
What do you need? What do you think? How does that make you feel that it ah versus ever Really getting in tune with yourself.
So no matter what? Upbringing you had whether it was unhealthy or not What you went through time and time again becomes the norm it becomes where you feel stable where you feel in control Whether it's healthy or you know, healthy or unhealthy So where you lived became your source of stability So as you become older you're going to correlate in care of others with control and stability and it's gonna make you feel It's gonna make you feel better because it's all you've ever known so you don't know how to like I said be focused on yourself And really take care of yourself in those ways.
You always have been focused on other people and other things So, how do we begin to heal? One of the things that you have to do every single day if you can raise your hand and say you know what I am A people pleaser.
I am codependent.
You have to practice mindfulness.
You have to slow yourself down in every reaction You have to number one know who are the people in your life that you tend to Want to save them or you want to help them so much where you know? You go above and beyond with this person list all those people down and in the midst of you having your relationships with these people just feel Whereas – when are you going too far with something every single time you help this person out you need to ask yourself Why am I doing this? Should I be doing this? Is this good for me to be doing this right now? When you start to ask yourself those questions You'll then come to the realization that a lot of the times you're doing what you're doing you're focusing on this person because you want to make them happy because you don't like to live in a space of people not doing well and That's not really something that you need to put on yourself you need to worry about yourself right now and you have to learn how to Become a little bit more selfish with your time your energy your money your whatever in order for you to kind of like adjust to like a healthier version of yourself Rather than just always giving and giving and not even thinking whether or not you should be doing this So I hope you have enjoyed this video If you did, don't forget to give it a thumbs up and don't forget to click on that subscribe button down below.